My cat is crazy. I had just sat down to eat my hot dog when she jumped in my lap. She scared the crap out of me. I mean, I literally screamed. Then I'm like, "Whatever." and I went back to my hot dog. Then I felt something sharp on my fingers. That stupid thing was biting me! Poor thing just wanted some food.

There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby so he went before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck. After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the Congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary. There was much yelling and bickering about how much the preacher's additional children were costing the church. Finally, the Preacher got up and spoke to the crowd, "Children are a gift from God," he said. Silence fell on the congregation. In the back pew, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said, "Rain is also a gift from

As a group of soldiers stood in formation at an Army Base, the Drill Sergeant said, "All right! All you idiots fall out." As the rest of the squad wandered away, one soldier remained at attention. The Drill Instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with him, and then raised a single eyebrow. The soldier smiled and said, "Sure was a lot of 'em, huh, sir?"

A Platoon Sergeant and his Platoon Leader are bunking down in the field for the night. The Platoon Sergeant looks up and says, "When you see all the stars in the sky, what do you think, sir?" The LT replies, "Well, I think of how insignificant we really are in the universe; how small a piece of such a grand design. I can't help but wonder if what we do truly means anything or makes any difference. Why? What do you think of, Sergeant?" "I think somebody stole the damn tent."

"Well," snarled the tough old Navy Chief to the bewildered Seaman. "I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and piss on my grave." "Not me, Chief!" the Seaman replied. "Once I get out of the Navy, I'm never going to stand in line again!"

At one Army base, the annual trip to the rifle range had been cancelled for the second year in a row, but the semi-annual physical fitness test was still on as planned. One soldier mused, "Does it bother anyone else that the Army doesn't seem to care how well we can shoot, but they are extremely interested in how fast we can run?"

The reason the Air Force, Army, Navy and Marines bicker amongst themselves is that they don't speak the same language. For instance, take the simple phrase "secure the building". The Army will post guards around the place. The Navy will turn out the lights and lock the doors. The Marines will kill everybody inside and set up a headquarters The Air Force will take out a 5 year lease with an option to buy.

HAPPINESS IS . . . Infantry: A good rifle Cavalry: A big tank Artillery: A loud boom UPON HEARING FIREWORKS Infantry: Cool, just like a live fire exercise Cavalry: Not loud enough Artillery: Fireworks? What fireworks? OTHER TRADES Infantry: Waste of rations Cavalry: Waste of rations Artillery: Waste of rations IDEA OF FUN Infantry: Not having to "pepper-pot" an entire grid square before the objective Cavalry: Racing across a grid square on "full stab" Artillery: Leveling a grid square FAVOURITE SONG Infantry: "Ballad of the Green Beret" Cavalry: "Purple Haze" Artillery: Anything, just play it LOUD! BIGGEST LUXURY IN THE FIELD Infantry: Engineers blowing trenches for them with C4 Cavalry

An Army grunt stands in the rain with a 15 kg. pack on his back, 5 kg. weapon in hand, after having marched 15 km, and says, "This sucks." An Army Airborne Ranger stands waist deep in the rain with a 25 kg. pack on his back, weapon in hand, after having jumped from an airplane and marched 30 km, and says with a smile, "This sucks just fine!" A Special Forces soldier lies in the mud, 40 kg pack on his back, weapon in hand, after swimming 10 km to shore, crawling through a swamp and marching 40 km at night past the enemy positions, says with a grin, while biting the head of a snake "This really sucks, I wish it could suck more....." An Air Force Pilot flying over the battlefield, the rain i

Knock-knock! Who's there? Irish! Irish who? Irish I could think of a better joke!

General Faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than a locomotive. Leaps tall buildings in a single bound. Walks on water. Lunches with God, but must pick up tab. Colonel Almost as fast as a speeding bullet. More powerful than a shunting engine on a steep incline. Leaps short buildings with a single bound. Walks on water if sea is calm. Talks to God. Lieutenant-Colonel Faster than an energetically thrown rock. Almost as powerful as a speeding bullet. Leaps short buildings with a running start in favourable winds. Walks on water of indoor swimming pools if lifeguard is present. May be granted audience with God if special request is approved at least three working days in advance. M

One day a blonde was surfing the internet. After a few hours, she decided to have a coffee break. When the blonde came back, she screamed. There was a bug on her moniter! She ran upstairs and grabbed a fly swatter. When she came back down she couldn't swat the bug. It was to big! The blonde then remembered the label on the computer, for people having technical difficulties. After a while of searching, she found the label. She called the number immediately. "Hello, this is Dell technical difficulties station", a man on the other side said. "Hey, there's a bug on my monitor, and I tried swatting it, but it won't come off!" The blonde cried. The man replied, "Well, the solution is simple.