I never engage in a battle of wits with an unarmed appoint

When I worked in the tourist industry in Florida, we got to wear some of the buttons that were for sale. My favorite read : We love serving tourists; I like mine well done!

A guy walks into the Microsoft Shop. Guy: I'd like a cheesecake, please. Receptionist: Sure. The receptionist hands him a block of cheese. Guy: Umm... This is just the cheese. Where's the cake? Rec: You have to purchase that seperately. Guy: What the ----? What kind of product are you trying to sell me? Oh well. Rec: Good. I knew you'd understand. The Rec hands him the cake. Guy: So... What do I do with the cheese and the cake? Rec: You blend it. Guy: With what? The Rec hands him a blender. The guy puts the cheese and the cake into the blender and blends it. Guy: Now I have a bunch of liquid. What do I do with it? Rec: Oh ---- you retard, you're supposed to exchange the cake f

I almost got fired for telling this joke at work: Do you know why fireman have bigger balls than policeman? They sell more tickets!

There was once an extremely wealthy woman who had reached the age of "over 50" without ever having a boyfriend, let alone a date or sex. She determined to catch up with the rest of the world and set her lawyer & accountants to find her the perfect man to share her life & money. Her requirements were: he must be handsome, intelligent, athletic and above all he must be a virgin. The lawyer & accountants started a world-wide search to fulfill her request, and after almost a year found the perfect candidate in the wilds of Australia. He was everything their client wanted and had never even seen a woman. After much convincing, the groom was put on a jet to meet the bride. It was lo

An architect, an artist and an accountant were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The accountant said, "I like both." "Both?" The accountant replied "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the office and get some work done."

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the accountant, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

I was watching my friend instant message. She was talking to a kid that she knew. The kid had lost his hat. I suggested, rather foolishly, to look in his nose. (As a joke, of course) My friend typed this. He then wrote (without seeing the message that my friend wrote) I'm going to look there on Monday.

A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything. The owner says, "How about a dog?" The man replies, "A dog? That's so ordinary! And a dog can't do everything!" The owner says, "How about a cat?" The man replies, "No way! A cat certainly can't do everything. I want a pet that can do everything!" The owner thinks for a minute, then says, "I've got it -- a centipede!" The man says, "A centipede? I can't imagine a centipede doing everything. But, okay ... I'll try a centipede." He gets the centipede home and says to it, "Clean the kitchen." Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and it's immaculate. All the dishes and silverware ha

How do we look at a calendar to find what date it is, when we don't know the date?

One day a duck walked into a drugstore and bought some lipstick. She walked up to the clerk and said, "Put it on my bill!"

How is it we look in a dictionary to figure out how to spell something if we don't know how to spell it?