Heaven won't take me and hell's afraid I'll take over. -Unknown (boardofwisdom.com)

If the sky is the limit, then what is space, over the limit? Are children who act in rated 'R' movies allowed to see them? Can you make a candle out of your earwax? When French people swear do they say pardon my English? Aren't the 'good things that come to those who wait' just the leftovers from the people that got there first? If the swat team breaks down your door do they have to replace it later? Can a fire truck park in the fire lane? Can it be cloudy and foggy at the same time? "Cute as a button" Is that supposed to be a compliment? Since when are buttons cute? Can you breathe out of your nose and mouth at the same time? Are marbles made of marble? Why does the last piece of ice always

What did the bee say to the naughty bee? Bee-Hive your self

When a guy asked a blond to take a survey, she asked, "Do I have to bring it back?"

MEXICAN VIRUS BUENOS DIAS!! JOU HAVE YUST RECEIVED A MEHICAN BIRUS!!! SINCE WE NOT SO TECHNOLOGICALLY ADBANCED IN MEHICO, DIS IS A MANUAL BIRUS. PLEASE DELETE ALL THE FILES ON JOUR HARD DRIVE JOURSELF AND SEND THIS E-MAIL TO EBERYONE JOU KNOW. TAN JOU POR YELPING ME. JULIO MANUEL JOSE FEDENZIO RODRIGUEZ GARCIA , MEXICAN HACKER

Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslims are so quick to commit suicide. Let's see now: No Jesus, No Wal-Mart, No Television, No Cheerleaders, No baseball, No Football, No Basketball, No Hockey, No Golf, No Tailgate Parties, No Home Depot. No Pork BBQ, No Hot Dogs, No Burgers, No Lobster, No Shellfish, or even frozen fish sticks, No Gumbo, No Jambalaya. More than one wife. Rags for clothes and towels for hats. Constant wailing from the guy next door because he's sick and there are no doctors. Constant wailing from the guy up in the tower. No chocolate cookies. No Christmas. You can't shave. Your wives can't shave. You can't shower to wash off the smell of donkey being cooked over

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two prostitutes and >>take >>them to their separate hotel >>rooms. >> >>The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His >>depression >>is made worse by the fact that, >>from the next room, he hears his little friend shouting out cries >>of >>"Here I come again ... ONE, TWO, >>THREE... UUH!" all night long. >> >>In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?" >>The first mutters, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get >>an >>erection." >> >>The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassi

You may not know this but many non-living things have a gender. 1) Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them. 2) Copiers are Female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. 3) A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it's often over inflated. 4) A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part. 5) Sponges are Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water. 6) A Web Page is Female, because it's always getting hit on. 7) A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up. 8) An Hourglass is Female, bec

A blonde and a brunette are hanging from a pole to see who can hang the longest. The blonde is showing off by hanging from one hand. The brunette says, "I bet you can't do no hands." The blonde takes the challenge and loses the contest.

I have learned to not jump out the window with a towel as a parachute. ..never throw a boomerang if you don't know how to catch it. ..don't fly a kite while facing towards the wind. ..don't throw a cat on a dog. ..never leave a three year old alone with duct tape and glue ..don't let a friend make you laugh while eating unless he/she knows the heimlich maneuver. ..don't ditch school if you don't know the way back home

Q: What do mice say when they see the moon?? A: "Ooh, Cheese!"

While driving to work, I found myself behind an old Ford Falcon, with five teenage boys inside. The best part was the bumper sticker in the center of the rear window. It read: DON'T LAUGH, YOUR DAUGHTER COULD BE IN HERE!