NEWSPAPERS: If you have to go to the bathroom while playing in the front yard, always use the newspaper that's placed in the driveway every morning for that purpose. VISITORS: Quickly determine which guest is afraid of dogs. Charge across the room, barking loudly and leap playfully on this person. If the human falls down on the floor and starts crying, lick its face and growl gently to show your concern. BARKING: Because you are a dog, you are expected to bark. So bark -- a lot. Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting their house. Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely in their beds. There is no more secure feeling for a human than to keep waking up in the m

A girl named Melissa was having a birthday party with her friends. One of her friends gives her this most annoying, screaming and loud singing bird as a funny gift. Melissa's dad says "We are not keeping that bird, you know that, right?" Melissa says, "Please, it's so cute. I'll put it in my room." The dad says that he will think about it. That night, Melissa asks her dad if it is OK to keep the singing bird. Her dad says "I'm still not sure. I'll have to sleep on it." Melissa says "No. Don't break it. Besides, won't it be more comfy if you slept in your bed?"

Boy: "Miss, may I kiss you?" Girl: "No." Boy: "Could you let me embrace your waist with my arms?" Girl: "No." Boy: "Well, then, may I touch your hands?" Girl: "No." Boy: "Why do you keep saying 'No' all the time?" Girl: "Mom said, when date with a boyfriend for the first time, remember to say No to everything." Boy: "Oh, really? Your mom is so..., OK. Miss, do you mind I touch your hands?" Girl: "No." Boy: "Miss, do you mind if I embrace your waist with my arms? " Girl: "No." Boy: "Miss, do you mind I kiss you?" Girl: "Er... No."

Little 6 year old Nancy and her big sister, Sandy were at the mall, looking at a sweatshirt. "That shirt is 60 dollars," said Sandy. "I wish I could afford it." Then the shopkeeper comes up, and says, "Can I help you girls with something?" "Well, this sweater is 60 dollars and we only have 43 dollars," said Nancy. "Well, sorry, but you are a little short," said the shopkeeper. "I can't help it, I'm only 6," Nancy replied.

Yo momma so fat, she has to use the highway as a slip and slide!

Why did they ban the wave at the local football games? *Too many blondes were drowning. Why was the blonde on the roof of the bar? *Someone told her that the drinks were on the house. Why don't blondes eat M&Ms? *They are too hard to peel. Why do blondes take the pill? *It's the only way that they can keep track of what day of the week it is. Did you hear about the blonde that robbed a bank? *She tied up the safe and blew the guard.

In 1900, fathers prayed their children would learn English. Today, fathers pray their children will speak English. In 1900, if a father put a roof over his family's head, he was a success. Today, it takes a roof, deck, pool, and 4-car garage. And that's just the vacation home. In 1900, a father waited for the doctor to tell him when the baby arrived. Today, a father must wear a smock, know how to breathe, and make sure film is in the video camera. In 1900, fathers passed on clothing to their sons. Today, kids wouldn't touch Dad's clothes if they were sliding naked down an icicle. In 1900, fathers could count on children to join the family business. Today, fathers pray their

After a shower, the man grabbed his shirt that his wife hung on the back of the door. It fell into the trash can. After picking it up, he looked into the trash and saw nothing so he put the shirt on. He went to college and walking along the corridor, he heard stiff laughs from everyone. After stopping in an open area, he looked around and saw nothing funny. When he started walking again, when PLOP, something behind him dropped to the floor. It was his wife's bloody pad! Apparently it had been in the trashcan when the shirt fell in and stuck to the back.

A man standing in line at a check-out counter of a grocery store was very surprised when an attractive woman behind him said, "Hello!" Her face was beaming. He gave her that "Who-are-you?" look and couldn't remember ever having seen her before. Then, noticing his look, she figured she had made a mistake and apologized. "Look," she said, "I'm really sorry, but when I first saw you, I thought you were the father of one of my children," and walked out of the store. The guy was dumbfounded and thought to himself, what the heck is the world coming to? Here is an attractive woman who can't keep track of who fathers her children! Then he got a little panicky. I don't remember her, he thought, bu

What crackers do firemen like in their soup? Firecrackers!

Cecil and Scott are two homosexuals living together. It was extremely hot one day and Cecil arrived home to find Scott with his ass in the freezer. "Scott! What are you doing with your ass in the freezer?" Scott replied, "It was so hot outside, I thought you'd like something cool to slip into!"

Sven & Ole, a couple of Norwegians now living in Minnesota, head for the fair in Duluth. The first thing to catch Sven's eye is the big double Ferris wheel. "Oh, Ole," he says, "vould you look at dat. I've always vanted to go on von of dose big Ferris veels. Let's go ride on dat von." Ole, not being near as adventurous as Sven says, "Oh, I don't tink so. Dat looks kind of dangerous to me." "Vell," says Sven, "you give me yust von good reason vhy you von't go vit me on dat ride." Ole couldn't come up with a good reason so up they went. Ole had to admit after the ride that it was kind of fun. After another 10 or 15 minutes they came to the roller coaster. "Oh Ole," says Sven, "Voul