1) Umm... 2) Well... 3) Hmmm, er... 4)

Save the trees - wipe your arse with an owl. "My point-and-click interface is an Uzi submachine gun." Saint Michael - patron saint of underpants I'm an apathetic sociopath - I'd kill you if I cared. I'm completely sane, according to the voices in my head. My wife's an earth sign. I'm a water sign. Together we make mud. Skiing is for people who can't just break their legs around the house. Penguins mate for life. That doesn't surprise me much cos they all look alike. Grammar has gots to be one of the most importantest things ever! If I were a recovering s*x addict, I'd opt for group therapy. "I hope I never do anything to bring shame on myself, my family or my other family." "Secre

* "On the advice of our solicitors, this T-shirt bears no message at this time". * "That's it! I'm calling me granny" (seen on a seven-year-old) * "Rehab is for quitters" * "My dog can lick anyone" * "Party - my cot - 2 a.m." (on a baby-size T-shirt) * "If a woman's place is in the home WHY AM I ALWAYS IN THIS FECKIN' CAR!" * "They call it 'PMT' cos 'Mad Cow Disease' was already taken" * "A picture is worth a thousand words - but it uses up a thousand times the memory." * "HAM AND EGGS - a day's work for a chicken; a lifetime commitment for a pig." * "Computer programmers don't byte, they nybble a bit." * "The trouble with life is there's no background music." * "The original point and click

Walking by, a minister saw his 5-year-old son and playmates find a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, the children had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaaather, and unto the Sonnn... and into the hole he gooooes."

A man and his love had a terrible spat: She scratched his face and he knocked her flat; She spat at him and he threw her around; She jumped from behind and he fell to the ground. How sad to see such trouble as that... Between a man and his household cat!

Yo momma so ugly her reflection quit. Yo momma so old that when I slapped her back her boobs fell off. Yo momma so fat when she stepped in the deepest part of the ocean, she got her foot wet. Yo momma so old and fat, she told us about the story of how she farted and killed all the dinosaurs.

When kids say: The party is supervised = It's supervised by a grandparent who falls asleep most of the time. I'm doing well in school = Oh crap, I need help. It's okay, I don't need help = Get the heck away from me. When men say: Hi honey, how are you? = I've been cheating on you for the last 2 months, or, I cheated on you last night. When women say: I'm too tired to make dinner = Who do you think I am making dinner for you every night? Can't a woman take a frickin' break?

Q: What did the little chick say when his mom laid an orange? A: Look at the orange-mama-lade!

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A neutron walks into a bar and asks, "How much for a drink?". The bartender replies, "For you, no charge".

My wife who is blonde came running up to me in the driveway the other day, just jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping for joy but I thought, what the heck and I starting jumping up and down along with her. She said, "Honey, I have some really great news for you!" I said, "Great. Tell me what you're so happy about." She stopped jumping and was breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, when she told me that she was pregnant! I was ecstatic! We had been trying for a while, so I grabbed her and kissed her on the lips and told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier!" Then, she said "Oh, honey, there's more." I asked, "What do you mean 'more'?" She said, "Well, we are

Annoy People -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1. Pay tolls with $100 bills 2. Leave your supermarket cart on the street or in the middle of the parking lot 3. Eat produce at the market; don't buy it 4. When giving directions, leave out a turn or two 5. Leave the outdoor Christmas decorations up until March or April 6. Before exiting the elevator, push all the buttons 7. Knock and ask "How is it going?" to someone constipated in a public bathroom stall. 8. Develop at least three strategies for cutting into the front of lines 9. Announce when you're going to the bathroom 10. Chew other people's pencils 11. Invit