A man and his love had a terrible spat: She scratched his face and he knocked her flat; She spat at him and he threw her around; She jumped from behind and he fell to the ground. How sad to see such trouble as that... Between a man and his household cat!

Yo momma so ugly her reflection quit. Yo momma so old that when I slapped her back her boobs fell off. Yo momma so fat when she stepped in the deepest part of the ocean, she got her foot wet. Yo momma so old and fat, she told us about the story of how she farted and killed all the dinosaurs.

When kids say: The party is supervised = It's supervised by a grandparent who falls asleep most of the time. I'm doing well in school = Oh crap, I need help. It's okay, I don't need help = Get the heck away from me. When men say: Hi honey, how are you? = I've been cheating on you for the last 2 months, or, I cheated on you last night. When women say: I'm too tired to make dinner = Who do you think I am making dinner for you every night? Can't a woman take a frickin' break?

Q: What did the little chick say when his mom laid an orange? A: Look at the orange-mama-lade!

aaaaa

A neutron walks into a bar and asks, "How much for a drink?". The bartender replies, "For you, no charge".

My wife who is blonde came running up to me in the driveway the other day, just jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping for joy but I thought, what the heck and I starting jumping up and down along with her. She said, "Honey, I have some really great news for you!" I said, "Great. Tell me what you're so happy about." She stopped jumping and was breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, when she told me that she was pregnant! I was ecstatic! We had been trying for a while, so I grabbed her and kissed her on the lips and told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier!" Then, she said "Oh, honey, there's more." I asked, "What do you mean 'more'?" She said, "Well, we are

Annoy People -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1. Pay tolls with $100 bills 2. Leave your supermarket cart on the street or in the middle of the parking lot 3. Eat produce at the market; don't buy it 4. When giving directions, leave out a turn or two 5. Leave the outdoor Christmas decorations up until March or April 6. Before exiting the elevator, push all the buttons 7. Knock and ask "How is it going?" to someone constipated in a public bathroom stall. 8. Develop at least three strategies for cutting into the front of lines 9. Announce when you're going to the bathroom 10. Chew other people's pencils 11. Invit

About four or five years ago I was standing in a ticket line at LAX, and a fellow in a line parallel to mine had a golf bag slung over his shoulder. Since the line was long and airline ticketing is a slow process at best, we struck up a conversation. He brightened when I admired his golf bag, and he proudly stated that he was on the PGA Tour. Then he turned to me and asked the question all golfers ask: "Do you play?" I shook my head, "I used to, but I quit because I wasn't very good. I shot consistently in the low seventies." There was a long, low in-take of breath, then "The low seventies?" "Yes," I admitted. "Consistently?" he queried admiringly. "Every hole," I confessed.

The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A death. What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating... You

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful ... CAREFUL!! Put in some more butter!! Oh my Gosh!! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY!! Turn them!! TURN THEM NOW!! We need more butter. Oh my Gosh!! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?! They're going to STICK!! Careful ... CAREFUL!! I said be CAREFUL!! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never!! Turn them! HURRY UP!! Are you CRAZY? Have you lost your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!!" The wife stared at him. "What the &^%$&^% is wrong with you? You think I don't know ho

These two guys had both just gotten divorced, and they swore they would never have anything to do with women again. They were best friends, and they decided to move up to Alaska as far north as they could go, and never look at a woman again. They got up there and went into a trader's store and told him, "Give us enough supplies to last two men for one year." The trader got the gear together and on top of each one's supplies he laid a board with a hole in it, with fur around the hole. The guys said "What's that board for?" The trader said, "Well, where you're going there are no women and you might need this." They said "No way! We've sworn off women for life!" The trader said, "Well, ta