"Look at ME!" boasted the fit old man, pounding a very flat and firm stomach, having just finished 100 situps before a group of young people. "Fit as a fiddle! And you want to know why? I don't smoke, I don't drink, I don't stay up late, and I don't chase after loose women!" He smiled at them, teeth white, eyes aglitter, "And tomorrow -- tomorrow, I'm going to celebrate my *90th* birthday!" "Oh, really?" drawled one of the young onlookers, "How?"

One day there is a well-educated man sitting in a redneck bar reading a book. A Redneck happens to wander over to him and asks, "Whatcha there reading Mister?" The educated man replies, "It's a book about logic". Confused, the redneck replies "Logic? What's logic?" The educated man explains to the man, "Logic is the ability to come to a conclusion knowing only one fact. For example, do you own a weed whacker?" The Redneck shouts, "Hell yeah I own a weed whacker!" So the educated man continues, "Well, if you have a weed whacker, and I know you have a weed whacker, I know you have a lawn. If I know you have a lawn I know you have a house. If you have a house, demographically speaking I ca

Once there was this little Italian boy in the fields with his father. Looking at his dad's hands, the boy says, "Papa, you do many things with your hands, tell me about your fingers." "Wella Tony," Papa said, "You see this first finger? You use this one to point to where ever you want to. You see your thumb? You use it to turn pages in a book, and your ring finger, you will use when you get married, and your little finger, you use to pick your nose. And the middle finger, well, I'll tell you about that one when you get married." Little Tony was satisfied with that and time passed. It was now Tony's wedding day. It was a beautiful wedding and just before he was leaving with his bride, Tony

A man arrives at the pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter tells him that he will remain frozen until his whole family is there. That way, it would stop him from doing anything NOT with his family. So, a couple years pass, and his wife appeared in heaven. She had died of age. She was frozen along with her spouse. One more year passes, and one of their two kids arrive. He had died because he was shot. He was frozen along with them. They all watch many more people enter heaven. They suddenly saw the milkman enter heaven. He did NOT have any family; he was adopted. But for some reason, he was frozen along with them. The woman and the milkman's eyes each grew very big. Finally, the last

You lose arguments with inanimate objects. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth. Your job is interfering with your drinking. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream. Your career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat. You sincerely believe alcohol is the elusive 5th food group. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence? I think not! Two hands and just one mouth.. - now THAT'S a drinking problem! You can focus better with one eye closed. The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar. You fall off the floor. Your twin sons are named Barley an

24 Signs that You're Getting OLD ---------------------------------------------------------- 1. You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead. 2. Your back goes out more than you do. 3. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room. 4. You buy a compass for the dash of your car/truck. 5. You are proud of your lawn mower. 6. Your best friend is dating someone half their age, and isn't breaking any laws. 7. Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper. 8. You sing along with the elevator music. 9. You would rather go to work than stay home sick. 10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations. 11. You no longer think of speed limits as

Always be smarter than the inanimate object that you're working with.

A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action. The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used

A guy gets a new job at a bubble gum shop. One day a guy comes in and asks, "How much is your gum?" So the guy replies, "I don't know." The customer walks out and the manager comes in and says, "You should of said 50 cents." Another customer comes in and asks, "How much is your gum?" The guy says, "50 cents." Then the customer asks, "Is it fresh," and the guy answers, "I don't know." The customer walks out and the manager comes in and says, "You should have said yes, very very fresh." So another customer comes in and says, "How much is your gum?" The guys answers, "50 cents." Then the customer asked if it's fresh, to which the guy answers, "Yes very very fresh." The customer then asks,

A man said to his golfing friend, "I hit two of my best balls yesterday!" "Oh yeah?" "Yeah, I stepped on a rake in the bunker."

You Know You've Been In College Too Long When... * You consider McDonald's "real food." * You actually like doing laundry at home. * 4:00 AM is still early on the weekends. * It starts getting late on the weeknights. * Two miles is not too far to walk for a party. * You wear dirty socks three times in a row and think nothing of it. * You'd rather clean than study. * Half the time you don't wake up in your own bed and it seems normal. * Computer Solitaire is more than a game it's a way of life. * You schedule your classes around sleep habits and soaps. * You know the pizza boy by name. * You go to sleep when it's light and get up when it's dark. * You live for getting mail. (E-ma

Here is a list of the ways professors grade their final exams: DEPT OF STATISTICS: All grades are plotted along the normal bell curve. DEPT OF PSYCHOLOGY: Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close them and turn them in. The professor opens the books and assigns the first grade that comes to mind. DEPT OF HISTORY: All students get the same grade they got last year. DEPT OF PHILOSOPHY: What is a grade? LAW SCHOOL: Students are asked to defend their position of why they should receive an A. DEPT OF MATHEMATICS: Grades are variable. DEPT OF LOGIC: If and only if the student is present for the final and the student has accumulated a passing grade then the student will recei