If Oracle made toasters... They'd claim their toaster was compatible with all brands and styles of bread, but when you got it home, you'd discover the Bagel Engine was still in development, the Croissant Extension was three years away, and that, indeed, the whole appliance was just blowing smoke. If Hewlett-Packard made toasters... They would market the Reverse Toaster, which takes in toast and gives you regular bread. If IBM made toasters... They would want one big toaster, where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters. If Xerox made toasters... You could toast one-sided or double-sided. Successive slic

An old country boy pulls up to a bait shop with a stringer full of fish. A man, noticing the stringer, asks him where he caught all the fish. He said he was going fishing again, tomorrow, and if the guy wanted to come with him he'd show him where he caught the fish. The next morning the two men meet at the bait shop and head out for the lake. They row out to the middle of the water and the good ole boy pulls out a stick of dynamite, lights it and throws it in the water. All kinds of fish float to the surface and he starts pulling them in the boat. His buddy is shocked! He says, "You know, what you're doing is not only improper but highly illegal. I just want you to know you could rece

What is Helen Keller's favorite color? Corduroy.

One day a man was sitting in his favorite chair watching football when his wife walked up behind him and knocked him over the head with a frying pan. When he woke he asked, "What the hell was that for?!?" "I found this piece of paper in your pants while I was doing your laundry and it says Mary Lou 555-5555. Who the hell is Mary Lou?!?" she asks. "Aww honey, that's the name of the horse I was bettin' on last week!" "Oh I'm so sorry honey!" Three weeks later she came behind him and knocked him over the head with a frying pan and once again he woke up asking, "What the hell did I do this time?!?" "Your horse called," she replied.

Politics - A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. The conduct of public affairs for private advantage

Abbott: Well Costello, I'm going to New York with you. You know Bookie Harris, the Yankee's manager, gave me a job as coach for as long as you're on the team. Costello: Look Abbott, if you're the coach, you must know all the players. Abbott: I certainly do. Costello: Well you know I've never met the guys. So you'll have to tell me their names, and then I'll know who's playing on the team. Abbott: Oh, I'll tell you their names, but you know it seems to me they give these ball players now-a-days very peculiar names. Costello: You mean funny names? Abbott: Strange names, pet names...like Dizzy Dean... Costello: His brother Daffy. Abbott: Daffy Dean... Costello: And their French cousin.

Why is there an L in NOEL?

When you put 'THE' and 'IRS' together, it's an anagram of 'THEIRS'. Coincidence? I think not!

Why is it that when babies are born they only weigh like 7 lbs. yet the mom weighs 30 lbs. more? Why do they call the small candy bars the "fun sizes"? Wouldn't be more fun to eat a big one? Why do people say PIN number when that truly means Personal Identification Number Number? If the handicapped bathrooms are for people who can't walk why do they put them at the end of the bathrooms? Can someone give up lent for lent? Why do people say, "You've been working like a dog," when dogs just sit around all day? If marriage means you fell in love, does divorce mean you climbed out? And why isn't the word 'gullible' in the dictionary?

Starting from bottom to top, a short explanation of each body parts uses 1. Toe-Object used for balance(do blondes and drunks have toes? Food for thought) 2. Foot-Place in mouth after saying something stupid 3. Shin-Object used for finding furniture in the dark. 4. Pelvic area-pretty self explanatory 5. stomache- stom ACHE... coincidence? I think not. 6. Chest-What I like to talk to. 7.Fingers-Keep away from car doors. 9.Hands... 10. Elbow-I learned to dance after hitting this 11. Shoulder- Common site of burns. 12. Mouth- Place foot here(or other objects) 13. Brain- If you have one you noticed there is no eight. 14.1/2 brain-If you check for it.

1. You don't like newbies. 2.You are #1 on this website. 3. You pretend to know everything. 4. You dislike AC3P1L07 5. You nail people for doing what you did. 6. You yell DUPE if someone you don't know posts anything. 7. Coincidently you only report it if it really is. 8. You received a message from AC3P1L07 saying to f*** off 9. AC3P1L07 hates you. 10. Your user name is ANCHMIKE SO PISS IN SOMEONE ELSES CERIAL, I AM NOT TO BE TRIFLED WITH.

1. You don't suffer from insomnia... you enjoy every minute of it. 2. Your pupils are dialated 24/7 3.*You don't have time for a girlfriend and would rather have a talking frog instead. 4. L337 is a common word in your household. 5. The targeting reticle from halo is permanently burned onto your retina... and you love it. 6. You know the correct pronunciation of MJOLNIR. 7. You have a microwave in your room. 8. Your dog can beat your friends at halo. 9. Your pug, 30 pounds over weight can physically kick your butt. 10. You've memorized the entire halo soundtrack.