A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. The old legal lions gave them a fight for their life and their money. The gang was very happy to escape. "It ain't so bad," one crook noted. "We got $50 between us." The boss screamed: "I warned you to stay clear of lawyers.... we had $100 when we broke in!"

Why did the banana go to the doctors? Because it wasn't peeling well

What do elephants always bring on holiday? A trunk.

Why is a football pitch so cold? Because of all the fans

What are Martians favorite sweets? Mars-mallows.

What do you give a sick pig? Oinkment.

Which fish is the most valuable in the sea? A goldfish.

What type of saw cuts the sea? A see-saw.

What is the noisiest part of a tree? Its bark.

These are actual signs found around the world... =================================== A sign seen on a restroom dryer at O'Hare Field in Chicago: Do not activate with wet hands. At a car dealership: The best way to get back on your feet? Miss a car payment. At A Laundry Shop: How about we refund your money, send you a new one at no charge, close the store and have the manager shot. Would that be satisfactory? At a Music Store: Out to lunch. Bach at 12:30. Offenbach sooner. At a number of US military bases: Restricted to unauthorized personnel. At a pizza shop: 7 days without pizza makes one weak. At a Santa Fe gas station: We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container. At a tir

Ever been to KFC? Ever notice that sometimes their toilets do not provide toilet rolls? Reason being that they uphold their motto: "It's finger licking good!"

There once was a boy named John. When he was young, he had been given a dog. He did not know what to name it and he opened a book called "The Wonders of the Body." He came across the word "sex" and decided to name his dog after it. After about 20 years, one day, his dog when missing. He went to SPCA and see if they had seen his dog. "What's your dog's name that you are looking for?" the lady at the counter ask. "I am looking for Sex." "But sir, we don't provide those kind of service here, I think you should go somewhere else." "But I need Sex a lot, I can't live without Sex, you can't ask me to go away like that." "I think you've miss understood. This is the SPCA, not some brothel, s