Actual Signs

These are actual signs found around the world... =================================== A sign seen on a restroom dryer at O'Hare Field in Chicago: Do not activate with wet hands. At a car dealership: The best way to get back on your feet? Miss a car payment. At A Laundry Shop: How about we refund your money, send you a new one at no charge, close the store and have the manager shot. Would that be satisfactory? At a Music Store: Out to lunch. Bach at 12:30. Offenbach sooner. At a number of US military bases: Restricted to unauthorized personnel. At a pizza shop: 7 days without pizza makes one weak. At a Santa Fe gas station: We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container. At a tire shop in Milwaukee: Invite us to your next blowout. At a Towing Company: We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows. At a Used Car Lot: Second Hand cars in first crash condition. At an Auto Body Shop: May we have the next dents? At an optometrist's office: If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place. At the electric company: We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be. At the entrance of the large machinery plant: Warning to young ladies: If you wear loose clothes, beware of the machinery. If you wear tight clothes, beware of the machinist. Billboard on the side of the road: Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs. Car Lot: The best way to get on your feet....Miss a car payment. Church sign: To remove worry wrinkles, get your faith lifted. Door of a plastic surgeon's office: Hello. May we pick your nose? English Sign in German Cafe: Mothers, Please Wash Your Hands Before Eating. Gym: Merry Fitness and a Happy New Rear! In a Beauty Shop: Dye now! In a cafeteria: Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want. In a cleaner's window: Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of. In a counselors office: Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional. In a dentist office: Be true to your teeth or they will be false to you. In a department store: Bargain Basement Upstairs. In a dry cleaner's emporium: Drop your pants here. In a farmer's field: The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but be aware that the bull charges. In a Florida maternity ward: No children allowed. In a health food shop window: Closed due to illness. In a hotel during a conference: For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is day care on the first floor. In a Los Angeles clothing store: Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks. In a Los Angeles dance hall: Good clean dancing every night but Sunday. In a Maine restaurant: Open seven days a week and weekends. In a New York medical building: Mental Health Prevention Center. In a New York restaurant: Customers who find our waitresses rude ought to see the manager. In a non-smoking area: If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action. In a Pennsylvania cemetery: Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves. In a Podiatrist's window: Time wounds all heels. In a restaurant window: Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up. In a safari park: Elephants please stay in your car. In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store: 15 men's wool suits - $100 - They won't last an hour! In a Texas funeral parlor: Ask about our layaway plan. In a toilet: Toilet out of order. Please use floor below. In a veterinarian's waiting room: Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay! In an office: After the tea break, staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board. In an office: Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday kindly bring it back or further steps will be taken. In downtown Boston: Callahan Tunnel - NO END. In front of a New Hampshire car wash: If you can't read this, it's time to wash your car. In the front yard of a funeral home: Drive carefully. We'll wait. In the offices of a New Jersey loan company: Ask about our plans for owning your home. In the vestry of a New England church: Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished. In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work. In the window of an Oregon general store: Why go elsewhere to be cheated, when you can come here? Inside a bowling alley: Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop. Maternity Clothes Shop: We are open on Labor Day. Message on a leaflet: If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons. Notice in a field: The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges. On a butcher's window: Let me meat your needs. On a church door: This is the gate of Heaven. Enter ye all by this door. (This door is kept locked because of the draft. Please use side entrance) On a desk in a reception room: We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left. On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards: Now available in multi-packs. On a fence: Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive. On a local plumbing company's trucks in NE Pennsylvania: Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber. On a Maine shop: Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship. On a maternity room door: Push. Push. Push. On a Music Teacher's door: Out Chopin. On a New York convalescent home: For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church. On a plumber's truck: We repair what your husband fixed. On a repair shop door: We can repair anything. (Please knock hard — bell out of order.) On a restaurant: Try our fish just for the halibut. On a roller coaster: Watch your head. On a Scientist's door: Gone Fission. On a taxidermist's window: We really know our stuff. On a Tennessee highway: Take notice: when this sign is under water, this road is impassable. On an electrician's truck: Let us remove your shorts. On an established New Mexico dry cleaning store: Thirty-eight years on the same spot. On an United Airlines emergency exit row instruction card: If you cannot read this card... On the door of a Computer Store: Out for a quick byte. On the door of a Music Library: Bach in a min-u-et. On the grounds of a private school in Connecticut: No trespassing without permission. On the menu of a New Orleans restaurant: Blackened bluefish On the wall of a Baltimore estate: Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. - Sisters of Mercy Outside a country shop in West Virginia: We buy junk and sell antiques. Outside a disco: Smarts is the most exclusive disco in town. Everyone welcome. Outside a farm: Horse manure, pre-packed bags, $10. Or, do-it-yourself, $1. Outside a Hotel: Help! We need inn-experienced people. Outside a muffler shop: No appointment necessary. We heard you coming. Outside a photographer's studio: Out to lunch; if not back by five, out for dinner. Outside a radiator repair shop: Best place in town to take a leak. Outside a second-hand store: We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain. Quicksand warning: Quicksand. Any person passing this point will be drowned. By order of the District Council. Sign at the psychic's Hotline: Don't call us, we'll call you. This was seen on a car being towed by a large motor home: I go where I'm towed to. And Last But Not Least... At a pool: OOL, notice that there's no "p" in "pool", let's keep it that way!