While shopping at the grocery store, I noticed that the tuna packed in spring water was labeled dolphin safe, but the tuna packed in oil was not. I mentioned this fact to the blonde cashier and mused out loud, "I wonder why?" The blonde replied, "Must be because the oil would suffocate them."

A proud elderly gentleman was in the hospital for a series of tests because his bodily functions were extremely disrupted. During the night he made several trips to the bathroom because he thought he had to go to the bathroom. After failing to go several times he finally decided to just ignore it. When he awoke later in the night he found his bed full of diarrhea. Being too proud to admit he just relieved himself in his own bed he carefully took the sheets and tossed them out the window. However, while this was going on, a drunk was stumbling home in the darkness. Before he can figure out what's happening, the soiled sheets come down on him. He kicks and punches the sheets trying to get

A man was riding in a cab one day when he decided to tap the cab driver on the shoulder to request an alternate route. The cab driver screams his head off and loses control of the cab, causing it to slam into a lightpost. After checking themselves out the man says, "I'm sorry. I didn't know you were so jumpy." To which the cab driver replies, "It's not your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver after driving a hearse for 10 years."

Dear _______________, I really like you. I was wondering if you would like to go out with me. Please check one of the boxes below: ___ Yes ___ No ___ No, I already have a girlfriend, sorry ___ Yes, if you don't tell my girlfriend ___ No, I am already fathering a child ___ No, I'm gay Love, ______________ *written by clueless_chic*

You know what would have happened if there had been three wise WOMEN instead of three wise MEN, don't you? The three wise WOMEN would have asked for directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the Baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole, and given practical gifts.

There were 3 ants in a house. They all had to decide where they wanted to sleep. One ant decides to sleep in the cabinet, one in the cookie jar, and one in the toilet. The next morning they all woke up and meet on the stove top to ask each other how their sleep was. The one who slept in the cabinet said his was hot. The one who slept in the cookie jar said his was sweet! The one that slept in the toilet said that " First it got dark, then it rained, a big gust of wind came, and if it wasn't for that big log.....I would have drowned!!!"

The Russians were called "Reds," a long while ago. So a war general named Rudolf walks into a bakery. The baker starts talking about owning a reindeer. He starts asking questions about it to the general. When the baker gets home, he tells his wife, "Rudolf the Red knows reindeer!"

Why did the teacher have to put on her glasses during class? Because the kids were to bright!

Why don't crabs share? Because there shelfish!

What is the name of the baseball player who sits under a tree? Babe Root!

A friend of mine spent two hours in the salon getting her hair colored, cut, and blow dried. After all that, was it too much to ask to be treated like Cinderella at the ball? Yet when she went to the desk to pay, the receptionist said to her, "Hello, madam, who is your appointment with today?"

How many roaches does it take to screw in a lightbulb? You'll never know because when you turn on the light, they scatter!