A mugger approached a very well-dressed and dignified lawyer on a deserted street one night: "Gimme your wallet and the keys to your car!" The lawyer shook his head and said in a patronizing tone: "Do you have ANY idea what it's like to walk in my shoes or wear my clothes? I have more responsibility than you could imagine. I have a family and a firm with a hundred employees. I am in charge of it all! Look at these clothes! Do you know what I have to earn to WEAR a $3,000 suit like this? Look at this fifty dollar necktie! And these cufflinks! Now try to imagine what it is like to walk in these thousand dollar shoes! If you DID know, you would not mug me!" The mugger looked at the pinstripe

This man goes to confession and says, "Forgive me father, for I have sinned." The priest asks if he would like to confess his sins, and the man replies that he used the "F-word" over the weekend. The priest says, "Oh, okay, just say three Hail Marys and try to watch your language." The man replies that he would like to confess as to why he said the "F-word". The priest sighs and tells him to continue. "Well, father, I played golf on Sunday with my buddies instead of going to church." The priest says, "And you got upset over that, and swore?" The man replied, "No, that wasn't why I swore. On the first tee I duck-hooked my drive well left into the trees." The priest said, "And that's wh

Three men die and go to hell. There is a white guy, a Polish guy, and a black guy. The devil makes a deal with the three men. He tells them if they can stand on his hand for 10 days without melting he will give them their lives back. So the three men agree to the deal and stand on his hand. After only 2 days the white guy melts and after the 4th day the Polish guy melts also. The devil thinks this is going to be a piece of cake. "Two down and one to go", he tells the black man. But after 10 days the black man is still standing strong. The devil asks him how this is possible and the man replies, "Chocolate melts in your mouth not in your hand."

What do you call a black person that wants to be and acts just like Jackie Chan? Blackie Chan

A blonde walked into the pet store and, after looking up and down the aisles, asked the sales clerk for help. "I'd like a box of birdseed," said the lady. "For which kind of bird?" he asked helpfully. "Oh, I dunno," she replied. "Whichever will grow the fastest."

A blonde pulls over at the gas station, gets out of her car, opens the hood, and checks the engine oil. After a few seconds of intelligent thinking, she takes the dipstick in her hand and, raising her chest high, walks up to the attendant. "Excuse me sir, but can I buy a longer dipstick?" "May I ask why you need a longer one ma'am?" "Because this one isn't long enough to reach the oil!"

While shopping at the grocery store, I noticed that the tuna packed in spring water was labeled dolphin safe, but the tuna packed in oil was not. I mentioned this fact to the blonde cashier and mused out loud, "I wonder why?" The blonde replied, "Must be because the oil would suffocate them."

A proud elderly gentleman was in the hospital for a series of tests because his bodily functions were extremely disrupted. During the night he made several trips to the bathroom because he thought he had to go to the bathroom. After failing to go several times he finally decided to just ignore it. When he awoke later in the night he found his bed full of diarrhea. Being too proud to admit he just relieved himself in his own bed he carefully took the sheets and tossed them out the window. However, while this was going on, a drunk was stumbling home in the darkness. Before he can figure out what's happening, the soiled sheets come down on him. He kicks and punches the sheets trying to get

A man was riding in a cab one day when he decided to tap the cab driver on the shoulder to request an alternate route. The cab driver screams his head off and loses control of the cab, causing it to slam into a lightpost. After checking themselves out the man says, "I'm sorry. I didn't know you were so jumpy." To which the cab driver replies, "It's not your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver after driving a hearse for 10 years."

Dear _______________, I really like you. I was wondering if you would like to go out with me. Please check one of the boxes below: ___ Yes ___ No ___ No, I already have a girlfriend, sorry ___ Yes, if you don't tell my girlfriend ___ No, I am already fathering a child ___ No, I'm gay Love, ______________ *written by clueless_chic*

You know what would have happened if there had been three wise WOMEN instead of three wise MEN, don't you? The three wise WOMEN would have asked for directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the Baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole, and given practical gifts.

There were 3 ants in a house. They all had to decide where they wanted to sleep. One ant decides to sleep in the cabinet, one in the cookie jar, and one in the toilet. The next morning they all woke up and meet on the stove top to ask each other how their sleep was. The one who slept in the cabinet said his was hot. The one who slept in the cookie jar said his was sweet! The one that slept in the toilet said that " First it got dark, then it rained, a big gust of wind came, and if it wasn't for that big log.....I would have drowned!!!"