A candidate brought dice into the examination hall for MCQ. He started tossing the dice to select his answers. The superintendent just gave a glimpse at this candidate, as he passed by, as it is common to have students trying their luck. Very soon the candidate finished his whole paper and slept on his table. Half an hour later, the candidate sat up, and started tossing the dice again The superintendent felt curious, and approached the candidate. Superintendent : "Gentleman, why are you tossing the dice again, since you've already finished all the questions earlier on?" Candidate : "Sir, I have to double check my answers"

A lawyer died, and at the same moment, the Pope also died. They arrived at the gates of heaven together. They spend the day in orientation, and as they're getting their heavenly vestments, the Pope gets a plain white toga and wings, like everyone else, and the lawyer gets much finer apparel, made of gold thread, and Gucci shoes. Then, they get to see where they're going to live. The Pope gets what everyone else gets, a replica of a Holiday Inn room, and the lawyer gets an 18-room mansion with servants and a swimming pool. At dinnertime, the Pope receives the standard meal, a kosher TV dinner, but the lawyer receives a five-course meal including caviar, prime rib and chocolate truffles. By

What kind of flashlight do blonds use? The solar powered kind!

Yo mama so fat she can give the homeless a home.

I slide to first. I feel like I'm going to burst. Diarrhea, diarrhea. I slide to two. My pants are filled with goo. Diarrhea, diarrhea. I slide to third. I dropped a runny turd. Diarrhea, diarrhea. I slide to home. My pants are filled with foam. Diarrhea, diarrhea. First its in the pants, then its on the floor. I make a 20 yard dash to the bathroom door. Some people think its funny. Its coming out back runny. Well, diarrhea.

A nurse dies and goes to heaven. She is met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter who asks her questions about her life. Over St. Peter's shoulder the nurse spots a man in a white coat sitting on a cloud with a stethoscope around his neck. "Oh brother!" she cries. "Is that a doctor?" St Peter glances over his shoulder and says, "No, that's God. He just thinks he's a doctor."

Additional quotes made by physicians in actual medical records: 1. Discharge status: alive but without permission. 2. The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983. 3. The patient refused an autopsy. 4. The patient has no past history of suicides. 5. Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital. 6. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant. 7. Since she can not get pregnant with her husband, I thought you would like to work her up. 8. She is numb from her toes down. 9. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches. 10. Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized. 11. Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid. 12. The patient

1. Staff physicians include Dr. Who, Dr. Kevorkian, and Dr. Demento. 2. Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicle. 3. Annual breast exam conducted at Hooters. 4. With your last HMO, your birth control pills didn't come in different colors with little "M's" on them. 5. Your "primary care physician" is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month. 6. Directions to your doctor's office include, "Take a left when you enter the trailer park." 7. Your kidney transplant surgery is held up while your surgeon awaits his arrangement for grave robbing. 8. The only expense covered 100% is embalming. 9. Only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter. 10. Only item listed under

Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

Dear God: Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another? Dear God: When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch...or is it going to be the same old story? Dear God: Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the 'Chrysler Eagle' the 'Chrysler Beagle'? Dear God: If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog? Dear God: We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scen

Dear God: Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a good dog: 1. I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up. 2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell. 3. I will not munch on "leftovers" in the kitty litter box; although they are tasty, they are not food. 4. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar. 5. The sofa is not a face towel; neither are Mom and Dad's laps. 6. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff. 7. My head does not belong in the refrigerator. 8. I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and registration. 9. I will

*The Poopie List* GHOST POOPIE: The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there is no poopie in the toilet. CLEAN POOPIE: The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper. WET POOPIE: The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you won't ruin them with stains. SECOND WAVE POOPIE: This happens when you're done poopie-ing and you've pulled your pants up to your knees, and you realize that you have to poopie some more. POP-A VEIN-IN-YOUR-FOREHEAD POOPIE: The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke. LINCO