Makes one think, and puts things in perspective : Diet Snapple....16 oz $1.29........$10.32 per gallon Lipton Ice Tea..16 oz $1.19........$ 9.52 per gallon Gatorade........20 oz $1.59...... $10.17 per gallon Ocean Spray.....16 oz $1.25.......$10.00 per gallon Brake Fluid.....12 oz $3.15 ..... $33.60 per gallon Vick's Nyquil... 6 oz $8.35 .....$178.13 per gallon Pepto Bismol.....4 oz $3.85......$123.20 per gallon Whiteout........ 7 oz $1.39...... $25.42 per gallon Scope ........ 1.5 oz $0.99.......$84.48 per gallon and this is the REAL KICKER...... >Evian water 9 oz for $1.49...... $21.19 per gallon. $21.19 FOR WATER! ....and the buyers don't even know the source. Yes, and the n

After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.

Interchangeable parts aren't.

The one item you need is always in short supply.

Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder!

Why did the chicken cross the road? To show the armadillo that it was possible. Why did the chicken cross the road? To get away from Colonel Sanders! Why did the chicken cross the road twice? Because it was a double-crosser. Why did the Iraqi chicken cross the road? To take over the other side. Why did the chicken cross the playground? To get to the other slide. Why did the chicken cross the beach? To get to the other tide. Why did the dinosaur cross the road? Chickens hadn't evolved yet.

1. When no one else is looking, you swear that the monkeys are mocking you. 2. The bears' exhibit is nothing more than the guys cut from the football team during training camp. 3. The stripes on the zebra tend to peel away in the heat. 4. The zookeeper always wants to take the rhino for a walk. 5. The lion in the lion cage closely resembles the one from The Lion King. 6. The alligator in the reptiles exhibit is nothing more than the University of Florida's mascot. 7. If you deposit 50 cents, the giraffe will magically appear and talk to you. 8. Ask the tour guide too many questions and you're suddenly dipped in some sort of sauce and placed in the tigers' den. 9. The elephant appear

1. It's not a laugh to practice barking at 3a.m. 2. It's wrong to back Grandma into a corner and guard her. 3. He shouldn't jump on your bed when he's sopping wet. 4. The cats have every right to be in the living room. 5. Barking at guests 10 minutes after they arrive is stupid 6. Getting up does NOT mean we are going for a walk 7. Just because I'm eating, doesn't mean you can. 8. If you look at me with those big soppy eyes, I'm not going to give in and feed you. NOT NOT NOT. Oh, ok, just this once. 9. No, it's my food....Oh alright then, just a small piece.

I know this isn't too funny, but it's one of those simple ones that put a smile on your face. Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a kangaroo? A: Holes all over Australia. Q: What do you get if you cross an elephant with a whale? A: A submarine with a built-in snorkel. Q: Why did the elephant cross the road? A: Chicken's day off. Q: Why do elephants have trunks? A: Because they would look silly with glove compartments. Q: Why do elephants drink so much? A: To try to forget. Q: How can you tell if an elephant is getting ready to charge? A: He pulls out his Diners' Club card. Q: What do you get when two giraffes collide? A: A giraffic jam.

Sherlock Holmes stood at the Gates of Heaven pulling at his pipe awaiting his turn. "I'll let you in," said St. Peter, gesturing toward the heavenly throngs behind him, "if you'll tell me who among these was the first mortal." "Elementary, my dear St. Peter," said the great detective, "he's the one without a bellybutton."

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez. "How was he killed?" asked one detective. "With a golf gun." answered the other detective. "A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?" asked the first detective. "I don't know, but it sure made a hole in Juan!"