I've sure gotten old. I've had 2 By-pass surgeries. A hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer, and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But...Thank God, I still have my Florida driver's license!

A 97 year old man goes into his doctor's office and says, "Doc, I want my sex drive lowered." "Sir", replied the doctor, "You're 97. Don't you think your sex drive is all in your head?" "You're damned right it is!" replied the old man. "That's why I want it lowered!"

An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will and make her final requests. She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Bloomingdales. "Bloomingdales!" the rabbi exclaimed. "Why Bloomingdales?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."

1. Homosexuality is not natural, much like eyeglasses, polyester, and birth control. 2. Heterosexual marriages are valid because they produce children. Infertile couples and old people can't legally get married because the world needs more children. 3. Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children. 4. Gay marriage will be less meaningful, since Britney Spears' 55-hour just-for-fun marriage was meaningful. 5. Heterosexual marriage has been around a long time and hasn't changed at all; women are property, blacks can't marry whites, and divorce is illegal. 6. Gay marriage should be decided by people not the courts, because the majority

Share Critical Information Pertaining to Credit and Risk A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel that you have on." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her 800 dollars and leaves. Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in t

Always be well informed A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road. He stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said,"Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. Changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" Once again the priest apologized. "Sorry sister, but the flesh is weak." Arrivi

Respect leadership hierarchy wisely A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one." "Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speed boat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone. In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone. "OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The mana

The new army recruit was given guard duty at 2 a.m. He did his best for a while, but at about 4 a.m. he went to sleep. He awakened to find the officer of the day standing before him. Remembering the heavy penalty for being asleep on guard duty, this smart young man kept his head bowed for another moment and looked upward and reverently said, "A-a-a-men!"

A farmer had been taken several times by a local car dealer. One day, the car dealer informed the farmer that he was coming over to purchase a cow. The farmer priced the unit as follows: Basic Cow $ 999.95 Shipping and Handling 35.75 Extra Stomach 79.25 Two-tone Exterior 142.10 Produce Storage Compartment 128.50 Heavy Duty Straw Chopper 189.60 4-Spigot/High Output Drain System 149.20 Automatic Fly Swatter 88.50 Genuine Cowhide

"It's no use. Art doesn't listen to me," said a little boy who was praying for a new bike. "Art who?" asked the boy's mother. "Art in heaven," came the reply.

A guy on a date parks and gets the girl in the back seat and they make love. The girl wants it again and the guy obliges her. She wants more and they do it again. She still wants more and the guy says "Excuse me a minute I have to relieve myself." While out of the car he notices a guy a half block away changing a flat. He asks the guy "Look, I've got this gal in my car and I've given it to her four or five times and she still wants more. I'll change your flat if you'll take over for me." The guy does and is just getting in the high numbers when a cop knocks on the window and shines a light on them. The cop asks "What're you doing in there?" The guy says "I'm making love to my wife." The

Q: How do babies get their belly buttons? A: When God finishes making little babies, He lines them all up in a row, then he walks along in front of them. He pokes each one in the tummy with His finger and says, "You're done, you're done, you're done, - - -"