A beautiful woman walked into an orchard and found a lovely pool in it. She decided to go skinny-dipping. She looked around, didn't see anyone, and undressed. Just as she was about to dive in, the orchard owner appeared from behind the bush where he was hiding all along and told her that swimming was prohibited. "You could have told me that before I undressed!" she scolded him. He replied, "Swimming is prohibited, undressing isn't."

Legendary football announcer Keith Jackson was in Texas to announce a college football game when he noticed a special telephone near the Longhorn's bench. He asked a nearby Texas player what it was for, and was told that it was the "hotline to God." Keith asked if he could use it. The player told him, "Sure, but it will cost you $10." Keith scratched his head and thought, "What the heck, I need a break picking games." He pulled out his wallet and paid the $10. Keith was perfect that week with his football picks. The next week Mr. Jackson was in Florida when he noticed the same kind of telephone on the FSU bench. He again asked what the telephone was for and was told, "It's the hotline to

A noted sex therapist realized that people often lie about the frequency of their encounters, so he devised a test to tell for certain how often someone had sex. To prove his theory, he filled up an auditorium with people, and went down the line asking each person to smile. Using the size of the person's smile, the therapist was able to guess accurately how often each person had sex. The last man in line was grinning from ear to ear. "Twice a day," the therapist guessed, but was surprised when the man said no. "Once a day, then?" Again the answer was no. "Twice a week?" "No." "Twice a month?" "No." When the doctor asked, "Once a year?" the man finally said yes. The therapist was angry

Delivering his speech at the opening banquet of a national convention, the visiting minister told several anecdotes he expected to repeat at meetings the next day. Because he wanted to use the jokes again, he requested that the reporters omit them from any accounts they might turn in to their newspapers. A cub reporter, in commenting on the speech, ended his piece with the following: "The minister told a number of stories that cannot be printed here."

Two women were paired together as partners in a club tournament and met on the putting green for the first time. After introductions, the first golfer asked the second, "What's your handicap?" "Oh, I'm a scratch golfer," the other replied. "Really!" exclaimed the first woman, suitably impressed that she was paired up with such a strong player. "Yes, I write down all my good scores and scratch out the bad ones!

Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

One day, John dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he meets the demon. Demon: "Why so sad, my friend?" John: "What do you think? I'm in hell!" Demon: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man?" John: "Sure, I love to drink." Demon: "Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do, is drink. Whiskey, tequila, vodka, beer...We drink till we throw up and then drink some more." John: "Gee, that sounds great!" Demon: "You a smoker?" John: "You better believe it." Demon: "Allright! You're gonna love Tuesday. We get the finest cigars from around the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer

Two guys are moving about in a Walmart when their carts collide. One says to the other, "Excuse me, but I'm looking for my wife." "What a coincidence, so am I, and I'm getting a little desperate." "Well, maybe I can help you. What does your wife look like?" "She's tall, with dark hair, long legs, firm boobs, and a tight ass. What's your wife look like?" "Never mind, let's look for yours!

This will warm your heart, just when you have lost faith in human kindness.... Dear Safety Harbor Middle School, God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Safety Harbor Assisted Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know that someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping. The other day her radio fell off the night stand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears.

Hickory, Dickory Dock Three mice ran up the clock The clock struck one... The rest got away with minor injuries

A rookie pitcher was struggling at the mound, so the catcher walked up to have a talk with him. "I've figured out your problem," he told the young southpaw. "You always lose control at the same point in every game." "When is that?" "Right after the National Anthem."

A woman walks into a vet's waiting room. She's dragging a wet rabbit on a leash. The rabbit does NOT want to be there. "Sit, Fluffy," she says. Fluffy glares at her, sopping wet, jumps up on another customer's lap, getting water all over him. "I said 'SIT'! Now there's a good Fluffy," says the woman, slightly embarrassed. Fluffy, wet already, squats in the middle of the room and pees. The woman, mortally embarrassed, shouts, "Darn it Fluffy, will you be good?!" Fluffy then starts a fight with a Doberman and pursues it out of the office. As the woman leaves to go after it, she turns to the rest of the flabbergasted customers and says, "Pardon me, I've just washed my hare and I can't do