According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen- had to be a girl. We should've known. Only women, while pregnant, would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.

For all you engineers (and other geniuses) who have difficulty converting units .... 1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter? = Eskimo Pi 2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup? = Won ton 3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash? = 1 microscope 4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement? = 1 bananosecond 5. Weight an evangelist carries with God? = 1 billigram 6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour? = Knotfurlong 7. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone? = 1 Rod Serling 8. Half of a large intestine? = 1 semicolon 9. 1,000,000 aches? = 1 megahurtz 10. Basic unit of laryngitis? = 1 hoar

Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms Eye Drops Off Shelf Teachers' Strike Idles Kids Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Axe Plane too Close To Ground, Crash Probe Told Miners Refuse to Work After Death Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant Stolen Painting Found by Tree Killer Sentenced to Die For Second Time in 10 Years Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One War Dims Hope for Peace If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, it May Last a While Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures Red Tape Holds up New Bridge Typhoon Rips through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas In Spacecraft Kids Make Nutri

9. Why it's good to have five pairs of black shoes. 8. The difference between cream, ivory, and off-white. 7. Crying can be fun. 6. Fat clothes. 5. A salad, diet drink, and a hot fudge sundae make a balanced lunch. 4. Discovering a designer dress on the clearance rack can be considered a peak life experience. 3. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made. 2. A good man might be hard to find, but a good hairdresser is next to impossible. And the number one thing only women understand... 1. Other women!

Monday: Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home. It's fun to cook for John. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said, "Beat 12 eggs separately." The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls. Tuesday: John wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said, "Serve without dressing." So I didn't dress. What a surprise when John brought a friend home for supper. Wednesday: A good day for rice. Recipe said, "Wash thoroughly before steaming the rice." It seemed kinda of silly but I took a bath. I can't say it improved the rice any. Thursday: Today John asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said, "Prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour b

The old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the Cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail a few feet in front of the sheriff. "Howdy, stranger..." "Howdy, Sheriff..." The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss were the sun don't shine. He dropped the horse's tail, stepped up on the walk, and aimed toward the swinging doors of the saloon. "Hold on, Mister..." "Sheriff?" "Did I just see what I think I just saw?" "Reckon you did, Sheriff...I got me some powerful chapped lips..." "And that cures them?" "Nope, but it sure keeps me from li

Carol was having trouble with her computer. So she called Glenn, the computer guy, over to her desk. Glenn clicked a couple buttons and solved the problem. As he was walking away, Carol called after him, "So, what was wrong?" And he replied, "It was an ID Ten T Error." A puzzled expression ran riot over Carol's face. "An ID Ten T Error? What's that ... in case I need to fix it again??" He gave her a grin... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID Ten T Error before?" "No," replied Carol. "Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out." (She wrote...) I D 1 0 T

This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his home town for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says, "I'll just have the eggs Benedict." His order comes a while later and it's served on a big, shiny hubcap. He asks the waiter, "What's with the hubcap?" The waiter sings, "Oh, there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!"

A girl in around fifth grade was walking home from school. As she walking she sees a really adorable little boy walking the same way as she is. The little boy comes up to her and says, "Can i walk home with you??" The little girl, being a mean snobby person says, "Oooh, god no!! Go away ya midget!!" "I'll cry!!!" * big sigh * "Fine just don't cry!!" When they get to her house she stops and tells him to go away. But he says, "Can i come over??" "Ooh no!!! No munchkins allowed!!" "I'll cry!!" *another big sigh* "Fine, but only for a little bit" Its getting late and she tells him to leave. "Can I stay for dinner??" "For the last time no!!! Go away!!!" "I'll cry!!" "Fine!!" Dinner is over an

ABBOTT: Ultimate SuperDuper Computer Store. Can I help you? COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up a home office in the den, and I'm thinking of buying a computer. ABBOTT: Mac? COSTELLO: No, the name is Bud. ABBOTT: Your computer? COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one. ABBOTT: Mac? COSTELLO: I told you, my name is Bud. ABBOTT: What about Windows? COSTELLO: Why? Does it get stuffy? ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows? COSTELLO: I don't know. What do I see when I look out the windows? ABBOTT: Wallpaper. COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software. ABBOTT: Software that runs on Windows? COSTELLO: No, on the computer! I need something I can use to write prop

Once upon a time, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the Archangel found him, resting, on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?" God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction, and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, " Look, Michael. Look what I've made." Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?" "It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance." "Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused. God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to

A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!" "No, I'm sorry," replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, Doc."