Doctor Doodles

The following quotes were taken from actual medical records as dictated by physicians. (Courtesy of Richard Lederer, Ph.D."Fractured English.") - By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped and he was feeling better. - Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year. - The patient states there is a burning pain in his penis which goes to his feet. - On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared. - She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night. - The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983. - I will be happy to go into her GI system. She seems ready and anxious. - Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing. - I have suggested that he loosen his pants before standing, and then, when he stands with the help of his wife, they should fall to the floor. - The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed. - Discharge status: Alive but without permission. - The patient will need disposition, therefore Dr. Blank will dispose of him. - Healthy-appearing, decrepit 69-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful. - The patient refused an autopsy. - The patient has no past history of suicides. - The patient expired on the floor uneventfully. - Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital. - Patient was becoming more demented with urinary frequency. - The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days. - She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December. - The patient experienced sudden onset of severe shortness of breath with a picture of acute pulmonary edema at home while having sex which gradually deteriorated in the emergency room. - The patient left the hospital feeling much better except for her original complaints.