When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was very very attracted to him, and during her questions about his life she asked him how he managed for sex. "Tarzan not know sex," he replied. Jane explained to him what sex was. Tarzan said, "Oh, Tarzan use soft hole in tree trunk." Horrified, she said, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes, laid down on the ground and spread her legs wide. "Here," she said, "you must put it in here." Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer to get a better look, got an enormous erection and gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed t

There once was a man from Hybernia, Who Rhymed himself into a hernia. He became adept At this practice except For occasional anti-climaxes.

What is a plant's favorite school year? KinderGARDEN!!!

What did the lunch lady say to the boiled egg? You're in hot water now!!!

Teacher: "Why does an elephant have a trunk?" Student: "Because it doesn't have a glove compartment!"

A woman sends her clothing out to the Chinese laundry. When it comes back, there are still stains in her panties. The next week she encloses a note to the Chinese laundryman that says, "Use more soap on panties." This goes on for several weeks, the woman sending the same note to the laundry. "Use more soap on panties." Finally, fed up, the Chinese man responded with his own note that said, "Use more paper on ass."

A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep the entire store." "But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly. "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom. Let me show you how."

Q: Should I have a baby after 35? A: No, generally 35 children are enough. Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move? A: With any luck, right after he finishes college. Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu? A: If it's the flu, you'll get better. Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving? A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant. Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex? A: Childbirth. Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why? A: 'Cause you're fatter than they are. Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational. A: So what's your question? Q: What'

So there's this Wizard who worked in a factory. Everything was satisfactory except that certain miscreants, taking advantage of his good nature, would steal his parking spot. This continued until he put up the following sign: "This parking space belongs to the Wizard. ... Violators will be toad."

A woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to the dentist. "I want a tooth pulled, and I don't want any pain killers because I'm in a big hurry," the woman said. "Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible, and we'll be on our way." The dentist was quite impressed. "You're certainly a courageous woman," he said. "Which tooth is it?" The woman turned to her husband and said, "Show him your tooth, dear."

for all of you with any money left ......... In the wake of the Exxon/Mobile deal and the AOL/Time Warner implode, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks. Watch for these consolidations in 2004: 1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace. 2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker. 3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and issue forth as: MMMGood. 4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa. 5. FedEx is expected to join its major comp

Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist? He sold his soul to Santa. Hear about the guy who lost his left arm and leg in a car crash? He's all right now. How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho path. What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall? "Dam." What do you call Santa's helpers? Subordinate Clauses. What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand? Quatro sinko. What is a zebra? 26 sizes larger than an "A" bra. Where do you find a no legged dog? Right where you left him. Where do you get virgin wool from? Ugly, fast sheep.