This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his home town for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says, "I'll just have the eggs Benedict." His order comes a while later and it's served on a big, shiny hubcap. He asks the waiter, "What's with the hubcap?" The waiter sings, "Oh, there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!"

A girl in around fifth grade was walking home from school. As she walking she sees a really adorable little boy walking the same way as she is. The little boy comes up to her and says, "Can i walk home with you??" The little girl, being a mean snobby person says, "Oooh, god no!! Go away ya midget!!" "I'll cry!!!" * big sigh * "Fine just don't cry!!" When they get to her house she stops and tells him to go away. But he says, "Can i come over??" "Ooh no!!! No munchkins allowed!!" "I'll cry!!" *another big sigh* "Fine, but only for a little bit" Its getting late and she tells him to leave. "Can I stay for dinner??" "For the last time no!!! Go away!!!" "I'll cry!!" "Fine!!" Dinner is over an

ABBOTT: Ultimate SuperDuper Computer Store. Can I help you? COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up a home office in the den, and I'm thinking of buying a computer. ABBOTT: Mac? COSTELLO: No, the name is Bud. ABBOTT: Your computer? COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one. ABBOTT: Mac? COSTELLO: I told you, my name is Bud. ABBOTT: What about Windows? COSTELLO: Why? Does it get stuffy? ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows? COSTELLO: I don't know. What do I see when I look out the windows? ABBOTT: Wallpaper. COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software. ABBOTT: Software that runs on Windows? COSTELLO: No, on the computer! I need something I can use to write prop

Once upon a time, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the Archangel found him, resting, on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?" God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction, and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, " Look, Michael. Look what I've made." Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?" "It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance." "Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused. God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to

A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!" "No, I'm sorry," replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, Doc."

A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest, and writers cramp.

The newspaper obituary operator received a phone call. The woman on the other end asked, "How much do funeral notices cost?" "Five dollars per word, ma'am," came the response. "Good, do you have a paper and pencil handy?" "Yes, ma'am." "Okay, write this: 'Cohen died.' " "I'm sorry, ma'am, I forgot to tell you there's a five-word minimum." "Hmmph," came the reply. "You certainly did forget to tell me that." After a moment of silence, the woman continued, "Got your pencil and paper?" "Yes, ma'am." "Okay, print this: 'Cohen died. Cadillac for sale.' "

Boudreaux went into the fish market to apply for a job. The boss thought to himself - I'm not hiring that lazy Cajun, so he decided to set a test for Boudreaux hoping he wouldn't be able to answer the questions and he'd be able to refuse him the job without getting into an argument. The first question was, "Without using numbers, represent the number 9." Boudreaux says, "Dat's easy" and proceeds to draw three trees. The boss says, "What in the world is that?" Boudreaux says, "Tree 'n tree 'n tree makes nine." "Fair enough" says the boss. "Second questions, same rules, but represent 99". Boudreaux stares into space for a while, then makes a smudge on each tree. "Der ya go sir," he says

A hurricane blew across the Caribbean. It didn't take long for the expensive yacht to be swamped by high waves, sinking without a trace. There were only two survivors: the boat's owner, Dr. Jones and the steward, Jack who managed to swim to the closest island. After reaching the deserted strip of land, the steward was crying and very upset that they would never be found. Dr. Jones on the other hand was quite calm, relaxing against a tree. "Dr. Jones, Dr. Jones, how can you be so calm?" cried Jack. "We're going to die on this lonely island. We'll never be discovered here." "Sit down and listen to what I have to say, Jack." began the confident Dr. Jones. "Five years ago, I gave the United

10. She wants her own intern. 9. She wants to complete her china and silver collection. 8. Brother-in-law Roger needs another pardon. 7. She wants to lease the Lincoln Bedroom to Marc Rich. 6. She wants to rename Camp David to Camp Denise. 5. She wants to pick up the rest of the furniture. 4. She wants to return to public housing. 3. She wants the top floor of the Trump Tower when she leaves. 2. She misses her hairdresser. 1. Bill needs a pardon.

There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him. An angel hears his plea and appears to him. "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you." The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules. The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed. Soon

Why can't blondes put in lightbubs? Because they keep breaking them with hammers.