FINE This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments. FIVE MINUTES This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade. NOTHING This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine" GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows!) This is

What haunts the closets of a haunted house? The SOULS of shoes! What's a ghosts favourite dessert? I-scream! What was the ghosts favorite baseball team? The BOO Jays! What room is a ghost not allowed to go inside? The Living room Why didn't the vampire have fun on his vacation? He SUCKED all the fun out of it! If a snow man and a vampire got married and they had a baby what would the baby be? A Snowvam! Where do monsters love to visit in New York? The Vampire State Building. Why did the vampire's friend break up with him? Because he was a pain in the neck! Why do witches use brooms to fly on? Because vacuum cleaners are too heavy! What kind of street do zombies like best? Dead

What did the mother match say to the baby match? Don't scratch your head.

What do you say to a person who says that they are going to tell on you? You say: Too late, I already told.

One day a cat comes walking by meowing, "I can't do anything right." So he keeps on pouting and somebody comes up to him and says, "Why are you crying?" "Because I can't do anything right." So the guy helps the cat and a day later the cat could do anything right so he goes to the litter box and misses the box by an inch.

Why did the teenager cross the road? Because his parents told him not to.

Dear Sir, I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient. I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor. Securing the rope

Q: What is a man's idea of helping you with the housework? A: Lifting up his legs so you can vacuum underneath them.

Little johnny was going to school. Incredibly he found a genie and was given 3 wishes. "Can I have a piece of candy?" he said. "Kid, I am a powerful genie ask for something else." "Mmmm, ok, give me 2 pieces of candy." "You think I have time for such small wishes? Don't ask for something so small." "I want candy." "Ok kid here you go; infinite candy." "Cool, thank you." "Ok whats your second wish? Kid, i don't have all day." "But I still have 3 wishes.."

A man walks into a pet store and asks for a German shepperd. The shopkeeper, replies that it will cost him $500. The man thinks for a minute, then asks how much a beware of dog sign costs. The shopkeeper calmly replies that it costs a whopping $1.98. The man thinks for a while longer, and asks for a beware of dog sign.

What does the government have but never uses to make life simple? Their power!

A man was at a bar about to drink his drink. Then, a tough looking biker came and just drank the first man's drink. The first man said "Why did you do that? I have been having a horrible day. First, I wake up, am late for work, and get fired. Then, I come home to find my wife cheating, I get kicked out of the house, and I get beat up by a bunch of thugs. Finally, I was about to end it all by drinking that cup of poison that you drank!"