During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer. "Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honour and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out." He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied. It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom's vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says: "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wi

Doctor: Well I hope you enjoy changing diapers, Mrs Jones? Mrs Jones: Why, Am I pregnant? Doctor: No, you have bowel cancer!

What do you call a blond with half a brain? Gifted.

Q What has two legs, and bleeds? A Half a dog!

An Essex girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on the counter. "I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress," she says. "Come again?" says the clerk, cupping his ear. "No" she replies. "This time it's mayonnaise."

A drunk man walked up to an elevator. He pressed the up button and opened the doors before the elevator could come down to him. He fell all the way down, and said, "Darn it, I said up."

Yo momma is so stupid, she took the Pepsi challenge and chose Jif.

You know you're a redneck if you introduce a friend to your wife and sister and he only has to shake one hand.

A patient wakes up after having surgery to remove a gangrenous leg. Doctor: "I have good news and bad news." Patient: "What's the bad news?" Doctor: "The bad news is that we amputated the wrong leg." Patient: "That's terrible! What's the good news?" Doctor: "We think the other leg is going to make it alright."

Yo momma is so fat, that to get her out of a phone booth we had to grease her thighs and throw a Twinkie into the street.

A man and his wife were cleaning out their attic when the man found a shoe repair stub in the pocket of an old jacket. "Hey - check this out," he said to his wife, "this stub is 20 years old. I wonder if the shop still has the shoes." So the next day the man went to the shoe shop and asked the owner if he still had the shoes. The owner disappeared into the back of the shop for about five minutes. When he returned, he replied happily, "Yup, believe it or not, we've still got the shoes. They'll be ready next Thursday."

A bishop, a priest, and a Rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says, "What is this, a joke?"