What do you tell a woman with two black eyes? Nothing, you already told her twice...

Joe and Ted finished an exam and talked to each other afterwards. "I did terrible," said Joe. "I think I was filling in the wrong bubbles!" "Me too," replied Ted. "Well, why did you do terrible?" asked Joe. "I forgot to bring a pencil!"

1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks? 2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand? 3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know? 4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words? 5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack? 6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing? 7. Why does "fat chance" mean the same thing as "slim chance"? 8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges? 9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there? 10. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting? 11. Why is it call "after dark" when it is really "after light"? 12. Doesn't "expecting the

Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this one! Did you hear about the Texas Teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots? He asked for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. Finally, when the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost cried when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet." She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on - this time on the right feet. He then announced, "These aren't

There was a City cop on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little boy on his new shiny bike stopped beside him. "Nice bike," the cop said "Did Santa bring it to you?" "Yep," the little boy said, "He sure did!" The cop looked the bike over and handed the boy a $20.00 ticket for a safety violation. The cop said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it." The young boy looked up at the cop and said "Nice horse you got there, Sir. Did Santa bring it to you?" "Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop. The little boy looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the d*ck goes underneath the horse not on top."

Though the walls of our apartment complex aren't particularly thin, the floors and ceilings act as amplifiers. One night, several months ago, my wife and I were lying in bed. Noticing the repeated constant sound of a bed scooting along the floor and a headboard banging against a wall, we became aware that the occupants of the bedroom directly were doing more than tossing and turning in their sleep. This went on for some time. Later we described the event to our friends. US: "For the first five minutes, it was funny and kind of embarrassing that we could hear them so well. "After about ten minutes, it became really annoying. "After fifteen minutes, it was getting very frustrating becaus

Your Starship Captain just might be a redneck if... your shuttlecraft has been up on blocks for over a month he paints flames and a NRA sticker on the warp nacelles you have a shuttle called "Billy Joe Bob" he refers to Klingons as "Critters" he refers to Photon Torpedoes as "Popguns" he has the sensor array repaired with a bent coathanger and aluminum foil he installs a set of bullhorns on the front of the saucer section he says, "Got your ears on, good buddy" instead of "open hailing frequencies" he hangs fuzzy dice over the viewscreen he rewires his communicator into his belt buckle he keeps a six-pack under his command chair and a gun rack above it he says, "Yee-Ha!" instea

Joe: I got a problem. Ed: What's the matter? Joe: Women. I just don't understand them. Ed: Do you understand your TV? Joe: No. Ed: So what's the problem?

The teacher has set the class an assignment. He stresses the importance of the particular assignment, and that no excuses will be accepted except illness (with a medical certificate) or a death in the immediate family (with a note from that member). A smart-ass student pipes up: "What about extreme sexual exhaustion, sir?" The class breaks up laughing, and when they settle down the teacher responds with: "Well, Jones, I guess you'll have to learn to write with your other hand."

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

I half a spelling checker, It came with my pea sea; It plainly marks four my revue, Mistakes I kin not sea. I've run this poem threw it, I'm sure your please two no, Its letter perfect in it's weigh, My checker tolled me sew.

Eager to make full use of my new computer's capabilities, I asked a customer-service representative at my bank whether it offered on-line banking. "Certainly," she stated matter-of-factly, pointing to a crowd of people near the tellers. "The line starts over there."