What did the cat say to the elephant? "......................meOW!"

"Two tone paint work" - Original color and rust. "One careful owner" - But the other nine were clumsy as anything. "10,000 trouble-free miles" - Crashed in the last 20 feet. "Heated rear window" - So you don't get cold hands when push-starting the thing in winter. "Very clean" - Only washed if and when it rains. "Lady owner" - The glove box is full of half-used cosmetics. "Clean interior" - All the rubbish is under the floormats. "Immobilizer" - The gear shift comes off in your hand. "Anti-theft device" - I can let you have a Rottweiler cheap. "Drives beautifully" - ... in a straight line; the steering is all over the place. "Low mileage" - The odometer is on its third time around.

Woman: Honey, do you love me? Man: Ask me no questions, i'll tell you no lies! Woman: Do I look fat in this? Man: Ask me no questions, i'll tell you no lies! Woman: Did you enjoy the meal? Man: Ask me no questions, i'll tell you no lies! Woman: Do you see the wrinkles on my face? Man: Ask me no questions, i'll tell you no lies! Man: Do you wanna fool around tonight? Woman: Sure Honey! Man: Was it as good for you as it was for me? Woman: Ask me no questions, i'll tell you no lies!

A girl went out on a date with a trumpet player, and when she came back her roommate asked, "Well, how was it? Did his embouchure make him a great kisser?" "Nah," the first girl replied. "That dry, tight, tiny little pucker; it was no fun at all." The next night she went out with a tuba player, and when she came back her roommate asked, "Well, how was his kissing?" "Ugh!" the first girl exclaimed. "Those huge, rubbery, blubbery, slobbering slabs of meat; oh, it was just gross!" The next night she went out with a French horn player, and when she came back her roommate asked, "Well, how was his kissing?" "Well," the first girl replied, "his kissing was just so-so; but I loved the way

On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple had a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside Heaven's Gate waiting on St.Peter to do an intake. While waiting, they wondered if they could possibly get married in Heaven. St. Peter finally showed up and they asked him. St. Peter said, "I don't know, this is the first time anyone has asked. "Let me go find out." and he left. The couple sat and waited for an answer...for a couple of months...and they began to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together forever?" St. Peter returned after ye

A guy arrives at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted. St. Peter is reading through the Big Book to see if the guy's name is written in it. After several minutes, St. Peter closes the book, furrows his brow, and says, "I'm sorry, I don't see your name written in the Book." "How current is your copy?" he asks. "I get a download every ten minutes," St. Peter replies, "why do you ask?" "I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I was always the stubborn type. It was not until my death was immanent that I cried out to God, so my name probably hasn't arrived to your copy yet." "I'm glad to hear that," Pete says, "but while we're waiting for the update to come through, can you tell me about a r

In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenly confronted by a huge, mean bear. In his fear, all attempts to shoot the bear were unsuccessful. Finally, he turned and ran as fast as he could. The hunter ran and ran and ran, until he ended up at the edge of a very steep cliff. His hopes were dim. Seeing no way out of his predicament, and with the bear closing in rather quickly, the hunter got down on his knees, opened his arms, and exclaimed, "Dear God! Please give this bear some religion!" The skies darkened and there was lightning in the air. Just a few feet short of the hunter, the bear came to an abrupt stop, and glanced around, somewhat confused. Suddenly, the bear look

Three lawyers and three engineers are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, each of the three lawyers buys a ticket while the three engineers buy only one ticket. "How can the three of you travel on one ticket?" asks a lawyer. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. Aboard the train the lawyers take their respective seats while all three engineers cram into the restroom and squeeze the door closed behind them. When the conductor comes around collecting tickets, he knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The lawyers are impressed with this cl

- Watching a nature show where animals fornicate, he keeps winking and doing the eyebrow thing. - When you ask him what kind of car he likes to drive, he solemnly replies, "The skin bus to tuna town," and then laughs until he cries. - You note that integrity is so important in a man, he notes that what he looks for in a "chick " is "you know." - He whispers, "You're beautiful," to your thighs, then glances up at your face and says, "Oh you, too." - When you comment on the rarity of men these days who seek mature relationships, he giggles quite a bit. - In conversation with others, he refers to you as his "quality tail." - Washing dishes after you've cooked him dinner for the first tim

An epileptic young woman named Camp Was seduced on her couch by a tramp But the first time he squeezed her She had a Grand seizure And broke both his balls and a lamp.

A horny old trapper named Rex Liked the risks of wild porcupine sex. By incredible luck His dick never got stuck, But his nuts were just pitiful wrecks.

You're so fat, when you sleep over someone's house, you sleep OVER someone's house!