1. Q: What would you do if a cheetah charged you? A: Pay him cash. (But don't worry. He accepts credit cards too.) 2. Q: Who went into the tiger's lair and came out alive? A: The tiger. 3. Q: If there were ten cats in a boat and one jumped off, how many are still on the boat? A: None- they were all copy cats. 4: Q: What has four legs and two eyes but sees just as well from both ends? A: A tiger with its eyes closed.

Q: Why did piglet look in the toilet? A: He was looking for Pooh (poo)

There were 3 tomatoes. A momma tomato, a papa tomato, and a baby tomato. The baby tomato started to fall behind and the papa tomato called over to him and said, "Ketchup!"

All lazy peoples' slogan must be "The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese." But fear not for all of you who wake up early just keep this in mind: The first cat gets the mouse.

A blonde girl enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the salesman: "I would like to buy a pink curtain that's the size of my computer screen". The surprised salesman replies: "But, madam, computers do not need curtains...." And the blonde said: "Helloooo.... I've got Windows!"

Knock Knock! Who's there? Yo da lay he. Yo da lay he who? I didn't know you could yodel!

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever. At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral ...I'm a gynecologist." At that point, the proctologist fainted.

Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us." And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves." And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new ani

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new girlfriend's birthday and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided that a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic, but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Debenham's and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the assistant mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the girlfriend got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his girlfriend with the following note: "I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the hab

1. Look at the size of his putter. 2. Oh, dang, my shaft's all bent. 3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker. 4. After 18 holes I can barely walk. 5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip. 6. Lift your head and spread your legs. 7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired. 8. Just turn your back and drop it. 9. Hold up. I've got to wash my balls. 10. Damn, I missed the hole again.

A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, ''If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull.'' The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, ''If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.'' The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, ''What if your dad was a drunk and your mom was a prostitute?!'' The kid smiles and says, ''I would be a bus driver!''

Why doesn't a blonde talk during sex? Because her mother told her never to talk to strangers.