How many electricians does it take to change a lightbulb? One I hope.

Some people grow old gracefully, while others fight and scratch the whole way. Andy's wife, refusing to give in to the looks of growing old, goes out and buys a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger. After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asks her husband - "Darling, honestly, if you didn't know me, what age would you say I am?" Looking over her carefully, Andy replied,... "Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five." "Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed. Just as she was about to tell Andy his reward, he stops her by saying... "WHOA, hold on there sweety!" Andy interrupt

When I went to lunch today, I noticed this lady about 75-80 years old sitting on a bench near the food court and she was sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said: "I have a 22-year-old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground, brewed coffee." I said: "Well, then why are you crying?" She said: "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me half the afternoon." I said: "Well, so why are you crying?" She said: "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite desert and then makes love to me until 2:00am." I sa

All the good knights were leaving for the Crusades. One knight told his best friend - "My bride is without doubt one of the most beautiful women in the world. It would be a terrible waste if no man could have her. Therefore, as my best and most trusted friend, I am leaving you the key to her chastity belt to use should I not return from the Crusade." The company of knights were only a mile or so out of town when they noticed a cloud of dust approaching. Thinking it might be an important message from the town the column halted. A horseman approached. It was the knight's best friend. He yells - "Hey, you gave me the wrong key!!"

What's the difference between a Ford and a golf ball? You can drive a golf ball 200 yards.

There is an old lady driving on Interstate 22. A police car pulls her over and explains to the lady she is going 22 mph. She said, ''I know, isn't that the speed limit?" The officer said, ''No, this is Interstate 22''. The police officer looks in the back seat and there are three children looking quite ill. He asks her if they need help and she explains, ''No, we just left Interstate 119."

A Marine stationed in Afghanistan recently received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows: Dear Ricky, I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you. Love, Becky. The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters, ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins etc. In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he had collected from his buddies. There

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Susan went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Susan told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding, and out on the

Yo mama's teeth are so crooked, when she smiles her mouth looks like its throwin' up gang signs. Yo mama's teeth are so rotten, when she smiles they look like dice. Yo mama's got one tooth and people call her chomper. Yo mama's teeth are so crooked, when she smiles it looks like her tongue is in jail. Yo mama's teeth are so crooked, she needs a map to find her tongue. Yo mama's teeth are so crooked, she uses them to cut chain at the hardware store. Yo mama's gold tooth is so fake, her whole mouth turned green. Yo mama's got two gold teeth, one says 24k and the other says "Believe that shit if you want to." Yo mama's teeth look like Honey Smacks. Yo mama's teeth are so ugly, she

Let's get off moms, 'cause I just got off yours. Let's get off moms, 'cause she can't handle those five men on her now. I ain't got nuthin' bad to say 'bout Yo mama, 'cause her face says it all! I'm sorry, I shouldn't talk about Yo mama, 'cause I don't even know the man. Hey keep my mom out of this and I'll keep this out of Yo mama! If I wanted any lip from you I'd jiggle my zipper. If I wanted a comeback, I'd just wipe it off Yo mama's chin. Hey, if I wanted a comeback, I'd wipe off your chin. Nice comeback muthafucka, you can scrape that off Yo chin and use it again! Hey I don't have a mom, me and my dad just use yours! Hey, I got nothing to say about Yo Mama 'cause she's

This 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise. When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "It's free," Peter replied; "this is Heaven." Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges every day and each week the course changed to a new one re

A minister was opening his mail one morning. Drawing a single sheet of paper from an envelope, he found written on it only one word: "FOOL." The next Sunday he announced, "I have known many people who have written letters and forgot to sign their names. But this week I received a letter from someone who signed his name and had forgotten to write a letter."