Top Jokes
Signs you're a redneck Jedi;
-You ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."
-Your Jedi robe is camouflage.
-You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.
-At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.
-You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.
-You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.
-The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.
-Wookiees are offended by your B.O.
-You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.
-You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing or bowling.
-Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to
There was a boy and a teacher walking down the street one day. The teacher bought the boy some gum and after chewing it for a while it fell out of his mouth. He went to pick it up and the teacher said, "Never pick up things from the floor."
Then, the teacher bought him an ice cream. It fell on the floor and he went to pick it up. Again, the teacher said to him, "Never pick up things from the floor."
Next, the teacher bought the boy a lollypop. It fell to the floor and once again he went to pick it up. The teacher told him, "Never pick up things from the floor."
After walking down the street some more there was a ditch ahead, but neither the boy nor the teacher noticed it. As t
Little Johnny's school was having show and tell, so the teacher started a 'Guess What's Behind My Back' game. She went to her desk and picked something up.
"Okay class," she said, "guess what's behind my back. It's red, round, and shiny."
"I know, teacher! It's an apple!" shouted Little Johnny!
The teacher replied, "No little Johnny, it's a cherry, but I like the way you think."
The teacher went to her desk again and picked up another item.
"Okay class," she said, "what am I holding now? It's yellow, and soft.
"I know, teacher! It's a banana!
"No, Little Johny," said the teacher, "it's a tennis ball, but I like the way you think.
At this point little Johnny was frustrated. "O
Little Emily was complaining to her mother that her stomach hurt. Her mother replied, "That's because it's empty. Maybe you should try putting something in it." The next day, the pastor was over at Emily's family's house for lunch. He mentioned having his head hurt, to which Emily immediately replied, "That's because it's empty. Maybe you should try putting something in it."
WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)."
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I promised my husband that I would be home by midnight.
The hours passed and the champagne was going down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., drunk to the gills, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed three times. Quickly realizing he'd probably wake up, I cuckooed another nine times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him 12:00. He didn't seem disturbed at all. "Whew," I thought, "got away wit
A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception. She brought in a variety of lifesavers and said, "Children, I would like you to close your eyes and taste these."
The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher gave them honey-flavored lifesavers, all of the kids were stumped.
"I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It's something your daddy and mommy probably call each other all of the time."
Instantly, one of the kids coughed his onto the floor and shouted,
"Spit 'em out, guys; they're assholes!"
A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts!"
The wife sighs and gets him a beer.
Ten minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts!"
She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him. He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute!"
The wife is furious. She yells at him "Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore..."
The man sighs and says, "It's started..."
Why did Michael Jackson cover his body in cheese spread?
Because kids will do anything for the taste of Dairylee.
For all you Blonde ladies out there.
Why are blonde jokes so short?
So men can remember them
What do you call a man who put the toilet seat down after use?
Don't know it's never happened.
Home
