What starts with an E, ends with an E and usually contains only one letter? ENVELOPE!

I always find myself arguing with my sister over who got up earliest in the morning. It's ridiculous. I have to remind myself that I really don't care. Usually this is what happens... (sister walks into the room) Her: Hey. What time did you get up this morning? Me: Um...around 9:00. Her: Oh. I woke up at 7:30. Me: Well, I woke up at 6 and didn't get back to sleep until 8:00. It always takes me a while to get back to sleep... Her: Yeah, I got up a bunch of times this morning. The dog woke me up. Me: (under my breath) Dammit.

"Daddy, there's a man knocking on the door with a beard!" "No wonder I didn't hear him!"

Here is a guy that doesn't know English well that is going to a restaurant in Virginia: Waiter: Welcome sir, have a seat. The waiter sent him to a solo table. The guy: Happy birthday, sir! Waiter: It's not my birthday today. The guy: Oh I mean thank you sir. I don't really know how to speak English well. The waiter gave the guy the menu, but he didn't understand the things written. Then he heard a customer that is ordering food, and the guy thought of copying everything the customer is saying to the waiter. The waiter comes: Waiter: What would you want, sir? Customer: I would want the manager's special fried chicken, some whole wheat bread, and this fish salad. The guy: I do want a

Can you tell the headline by the satirical publication "The Onion" from these real headlines? "Couple recalls war years, 63 years of marriage.'' "Gun who killed officer said to have mental problems." "Smokers asked to keep butts off beach." "Volunteers needed to help abuse victims." "Study finds link between red wine, letting mother know what you really think." "Orleans seeks tenants for new jail." Answers: 1. "Sudbury Town Crier" (Massachusetts) 2. "Times-Standard" (Eureka, California) 3. "San Diego Union-Tribune" 4. "Santa Barbara News-Press" 5. "The Onion" 6. "Daily News" (Batavia, New York)

A West German businessman is driving a Mercedes through East Germany on a rainy night when his windshield wipers stop working. He takes it to an East German mechanic, who tells him there are no Mercedes windshield wiper motors in the GDR, but he will do his best to fix it. When the businessman returns the next day, to his surprise the windshield wipers are working perfectly. "How did you find a Mercedes windshield wiper motor in the East?" he asks the mechanic. "We didn't," replies the mechanic, "We used the engine motor of a Trabant."

The molbos have a long way to the forest so they must rise early to collect wood. One morning some of them drove to the forest to bring home a tree they had bought. But on the way the one who drove first happened to lose his axe, and when the others saw that, they thought he threw it away on purpose, so they threw away their axes as well. Now, as they stood in the forest, they had nothing with which to chop, they didn't know what to do at all, and they certainly didn't want to come home empty-handed. Finally one of them had the brilliant idea to pull the tree down; but as they hadn't brought a rope, one of them had to climb the tree and lay his head in the cleavage between two branches then

"Oh, I'm not a professor," he said quickly. "I'm a professional balloonist, parachute jumper. Give exhibitions at county fairs. Leap for life, and all that sort of thing. I guess you mean my friend. He's smart enough for a professor. Invented a lot of things. How much is the damage?" "No professor?" cried Miss Perkman indignantly. "Why I understood from Miss Nestor that she called some one professor." "I was referring to my friend, Mr. Swift," said Mary. "His father's a professor, anyhow, isn't he, Tom? I mean Mr. Swift!" "I believe he has a degree, but he never uses it," was the lad's answer. "Ha! Then I have been deceived! There is no professor present!" and the old maid drew herself u

When I saw that item, I said to my wife, "I don't think spaghetti grows on trees", so we'd looked it up in Encyclopædia Britannica. Do you know, Miall, Encyclopædia Britannica doesn't even mention spaghetti.

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM. The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule. The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all

- I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges? - You can't have everything, where would you put it? - Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool? - What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of baldmen? - In a country of free speech why are there telephone bills? - If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?

Here is a fragment of a crossword puzzle. Note that this crossword puzzle contains abbreviations and acronyms. S O _ Clue: An insult related to a female animal. Answer: Sow.