Melvyn and Max were left quite a large plot of land by their rich father. However, this caused the two sons much grief. For months they argued long and hard over how the land should be divided between them. The solution just wasn't that simple, so they took the problem to their priest. "Father," said Melvyn, "can you please help us solve our problem?" As soon as he had heard their case, Father Murphy said, "Come back tomorrow and we'll talk again." The next day, Melvyn and Max returned and the priest gave them his solution. He gave Max a coin and said, "You can toss the coin." "And you," said Father Murphy to Melvyn, "can call it, heads or tails. Whoever wins the toss will divide the land.

Viola jokes are jokes usually insulting violas and violists, since they are, generally speaking, the most unpopular instruments. Please forgive me if you are a violist, but truly, there are just some good ones out there. :P Q: What is the difference between a viola and an onion? A: No one cries when you cut up a viola. Q: What is the difference between a viola and a trampoline? A: You have to take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline. Q: What's the difference between a violin and a viola? A: (1) The viola burns longer, (2) The viola holds more beer, and (3) You can tune the violin. Q: A viola burns longer than a violin; that's common sense. But why can it burn longer? A: It's usually s

"So I was talking to my family and we were doing a family get together session, you know the one teens dread? That one. And my mom asks me, 'if you could ask one person 2 questions, what would ask them?' So I thought and decided to "question" the director of the movie 2012." Me: Sir, your movie is based of the catastrophes that might happen in 2012. Will most people die? Director of 2012: Sure. Me: If you go down, do George Clooney and Brad Pitt go down with you, because that will make me the sexiest man alive.

As I always say, "REAL men don't shave below the neck." Well, unless they are a body builder, I guess you have to show it off. Then again, it might be good for a boxer to be more slippery so punches have less "stick" or whatever. Yea, I guess it's the same with kick boxers. Also, I guess porn stars have their reasons. And male models.... OK, I guess I meant that "REAL men don't shave below the neck, unless they can beat me up, of course."

One night a man and woman went to his house to have sex when he stopped her to say "I still live with my parents and me and my brother share bunk beds so if you want to change positions say "lettuce" and if you want to go faster say "tomatos" So they were getting it on and she was screaming "lettuce, lettuce, tomatos, lettuce, tomatos, tomatos" Suddenly the younger brother (on the bottom bunk) said "Could you stop making sandwiches your getting mayonase on me"!

One day there was this man that went to a beach completely naked even though the beach was a non-nude beach. But the man thought and thought looking around. Nobody is here so he doesn't care. He takes off his towel and lays down with a newspaper to cover his privates just in case. Soon comes a little girl that asks "Sir, what's under the newspaper?" The man replies with "it's a birdy and never ever touch it." He soon falls asleep. Later on when he wakes up, he's in the hospital feeling immense pain around his private area. The doctors ask whathappened and all he could remember was the girl at the beach. Later on the cops arrive at her house asking what she had done. She said "well I was play

All women are emotional drag queens, and i married their queen

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What is the secret of success? "push" said the doorbell "never be lead" said the pencil "Take panes" said the window "always keep cool" said the ice "never lose your head" said the drum "make light of everything" said the fire "be sharp in all your dealings" said the knife "find a good thing and stick to it" said the glue

A guy had told all of his friends about the great steak he'd eaten downtown the day before. A group of them decided to head down and see if it was really as large and delicious as he was making it out to be. The group was seated in the back of the restaurant. After looking over the menu, they ordered and waited, hungrily, for their large, delicious, gigantic steaks. To their collective disappointment, the waiter brought out some of the smallest steaks they'd ever seen. "Now see here," the very embarrassed guy said to the waiter. "Yesterday, when I came down here you served me a big, juicy steak. Today, though, when I have my friends with me, you serve tiny steaks! What is the meaning of t

rats have more bones than men parrot can see backwards without turning its head HUMMING BIRD - (RUBY-THROATED) -------------------------------- MASS: About 3-4g (a nickel weighs about 5g). LENGTH: About 8.5cm (3.5") from tip of bill to tip of tail WING BEATS: About 60-80 times per second in normal flight, up to 200 times per second in courtship dives SPEED: Normal flight about 25mph; up to 65kph (40mph) in a courtship dive HEARTBEATS: About 250 times per minute while at rest, about 1,220 per minute while flying BREATHING: About 250 breaths per minute while at rest BODY TEMPERATURE: 40.5 degrees C (105-108 degrees F) FEATHERS: A typical Hum-bird has 940 feathers. FEED RATE: Eats ab

# 16 Ernest Vincent Wright wrote a fifty thousand-word novel, "Gadsby," without any word containing the letter "e." # 17 In a year, the average person walks four miles to make his or her bed. # 18 In the first century, people used to drink goats milk to sweeten their breath. # 19 In many of the milk ads that are shown, a mix of thinner and white paint is used instead of milk. # 20 It is possible to get high by licking a toad. The Cane Toad produces a toxin called bufotenine to ward off predators. It acts as a hallucinogen. # 21 In Las Vegas, casinos do not have any clocks. # 22 There is a restaurant in Stockholm that only offers all-garlic products. They even have a garlic cheesecake. # 23