One night, at the lodge of a hunting club, two new members were being introduced to other members and shown around. The man leading them around said, "See that old man asleep in the chair by the fireplace? He is our oldest member and can tell you some hunting stories you'll never forget." So they awakened the old man and asked him to tell a story. "Well, I remember back in 1944, we went on a lion hunting expedition in Africa. We were on foot and hunted for three days without seeing a thing. On the fourth day, I was so tired I had to rest my feet. I found a fallen tree, so I laid my gun down, propped my head on the tree, and fell asleep. "I don't know how long I was asleep when I suddent

Arachnoleptic Fit (n.) The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web. Beelzebug (n.) Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at 3 in the morning and cannot be cast out. Bozone (n.) The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future. Cashtration (n.) The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

What kind of key can't open a door. A monkey

Honk if you've never seen an Uzi fired from a car window. If you can read this, my wife fell off! (Seen on the back of a biker's vest.) If you can beat me, you can eat me! (Seen on a Corvette driven by a "drop-dead gorgeous blonde.") Remember: Stop lights timed for 35mph are also timed for 70mph. GUYS: No shirt, no service. GALS: No shirt, no charge. I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian. Heart Attacks...God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends We have enough youth, how about a fountain of smart? Boldly going nowhere. Cat: The other white meat. Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway He's not dead, He's electro-encephalographically challenged If you c

Howard County Police officers still write their reports by hand, and the data is entered later by a computer tech into their database. One theft report stated that a farmer had lost 2,025 pigs. Thinking that to be an error, the tech called the farmer directly. "Is it true Mr. (Smith) that you lost 2,025 pigs?" she asked. "Yeth," lisped the farmer. Being a Howard County girl herself, the tech entered: "Subject lost 2 sows and 25 pigs."

An elderly woman lived on a small farm in Canada, just yards away from the North Dakota border. Their land had been the subject of a minor dispute between the United States and Canada for years. The widowed woman lived on the farm with her son and three grandchildren. One day, her son came into her room holding a letter. "I just got some news, Mom," he said. "The government has come to an agreement with the people in North Dakota. They've decided that our land is really part of the United States. We have the right to approve or disapprove of the agreement. What do you think?" "What do I think?" his mother said. "Sign it! Call them right now and tell them we accept! I don't think I can st

In Arkansas, it is illegal to say the word Arkansas incorrectly.

byuuyntfifgjrfnbrft9tn ...told you so.

# Zero is the only number that cannot be represented by Roman numerals # Kites were used in the American Civil War to deliver letters and newspapers. # The song, "Auld Lang Syne" is sung at the stroke of midnight in almost every English-speaking country in the world to bring in the new year. # For every real Christmas tree harvested, two to three seedlings are planted in its place. # Drinking water after eating reduces the acid in your mouth by 61 percent # Peanut oil is used for cooking in submarines because it doesn't smoke unless it's heated above 450°F # The Shell Oil Company originally began as a novelty shop in London that sold seashells # The roar that we hear when we place a

# In 1875 the director of the US patent office resigned. He said that there was nothing left to invent # The Channel between England and France grows about 300 millimeters each year # The average person's field of vision encompasses a 200-degree wide angle # Offered a new pen to write with, 97% of all people will write their own name # On average, a person has two million sweat glands # Grapes explode when you put them in the microwave. # Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times. # Your tongue is germ free only if it is pink. If it is white there is a thin film of bacteria on it. # The attachment of the human skin to muscles is what caus

James Bond: "My name is Bond" Continuing in his inimitable style, "......James Bond." Then Bond asks: "And you?" Telugu Guy: "My name is Rao... Siva Rao... Samba Siva Rao... Venkata Samba Siva Rao... Yarlagadda Venkata Samba Siva Rao... Rajasekhara Yarlagadda Venkata Samba Siva Rao... Sitaramanjaneyula Rajasekhara Yarlagadda Venkata Samba Siva Rao... Vijayawada Sitaramanjaneyula Rajasekhara Yarlagadda Venkata Samba Siva Rao..." Since then when anyone asks Bond his name he simply says "James Bond"

If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.