On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my Significant Other in a consenting adult, monogamous relationship gave to me: TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming, ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note), TEN melanin deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling class system leaping, NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression, EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products from enslaved Bovine-Americans, SEVEN endangered sw

My bedroom is so small... The mice are hunchbacked. I shut the door and and the doorknob was in bed with me. I have to go outside to change my mind. If I stand up, I'm on the second floor.

You know what would be odd? Some one with a deep, dark voice calls you and says, "I know what your phone number is...heh heh..."

If at first u dont suceed Fuck the world and smoke some weed

Washington: All lollipops are banned. A law to reduce crime states: "It is mandatory for a motorist with criminal intentions to stop at the city limits and telephone the chief of police as he is entering the town. In King County, in Seattle Washington, it is illegal to sit on a man's lap on a metro bus, unless you are married. New York: A fine of $25 can be levied for flirting. This old law specifically prohibits men from turning around on any city street and "looking at a woman in that way." A second conviction for a crime of this magnitude calls for the violating male to be forced to wear a "pair of horse-blinders" wherever and whenever he goes outside for a stroll. Iowa: Kisses may la

David Posman, 33, was arrested recently in Providence, Rhode Island, after allegedly knocking out an armored car driver and stealing the closest four bags of money. It turned out they contained $800 in PENNIES, weighed 30 pounds each, and slowed him to a stagger during his getaway so that police officers easily jumped him from behind. 45 year-old Amy Brasher was arrested in San Antonio, Texas, after a mechanic reported to police that 18 packages of marijuana were packed in the engine compartment of the car which she had brought to the mechanic for an oil change. According to police, Brasher later said that she didn't realize that the mechanic would have to raise the hood to change the oil.

How do you keep a Michigan State Player out of your yard? Set up a goal post.

Three men were engineers checking a bridge when out of nowhere this masked man pointed a gun at them and said ,"If you want to live,you'll jump off the bridge and you'll survive."Well,the gunman turned around to take his mask off and when he turned around the engineers saw it was a construction worker."April Fools!"he yelled out as water shot out from the"gun".The first engineer looked at him and said,"Tell that to the man who jumped when you had turned around."

FLATTERY - What your kid does when they want something. EAT VEGETABLES - What your kid does when they want dessert. Usually. BEG, CRY, or WHINE - What your kid does when they want something you don't want to give them. CALL - What your kid does when they get a good grade. "FORGET" TO CALL - What your kid does when they do NOT get a good grade. BRUSH TEETH - What your kid promises to do so you will let them eat candy. And then they forget. DRINK MILK - What your kid does after they heat it up and add hot chocolate powder. SPILL WATER - What your kid does when they want to drink soda instead. DROP THEIR LUNCH - What your kid does when they don't like what you made for them. PRETEND TO

Think before you speak... Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak - the last one is great! Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back, or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did.... FIRST TESTIMONY: I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word... he knew better. SECOND TESTIMONY: I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After brow

Something to text to your friendz The police found a body with no brain, fucked up teeth, a small dick, and a swollen asshole Just called to make sure you are okay I was worried

Baked Beans One of the matrons of the church was cooking a pot of her famous beans for the church potluck, and her son, Little Johnny, came running through the house, BB gun in one hand, and a handful of BBs in the other. He tripped and the BBs, naturally, went right into the pot of beans. Thinking it over, Little Johnny could think of no reason why he should risk punishment, so he said nothing. The dinner went well, and, as usual, the beans were one of the favorite dishes. The next day, the church secretary, Mary, called Little Johnny's mother and said, "Jane, your beans were delicious as usual, but what did you put in them this time?" Jane replied, "Nothing new, why do you ask?" "Wel