Popular Jokes
A man comes from a foreign country and buys a T.V. to learn some English, he turns to the first channel and it says, "I did it, I did it I'm a big kid now." He turns to the next channel and it said, "Fork and knife, fork and knife." He turns to one of those little kid commercials and they were saying, "Under the Sea," while wave their hands around crazily. The next one was a Ziploc commercial, saying, "Ziploc bags, keeps things fresssshh." He turns to the final commercial he has on his T.V. and it says, "Plug it in! Plug it in!"
He buys a "stolen" car by accident which has a dead lady in the trunk, he drives for a while then finally the police pull him over. They open the car trunk and they
How can you tell if a blonde has been in your fridge?
There is lipstick on the cucumber
Moe the midget always gets bullied by Terrance the tall goon. After many months of getting bullied and
being made fun of his size, Moe has had it.
One day, Moe challenges Terrance saying, "If you can do everything I can, then I will leave town forever and if you can't, then you will have to leave town and never return." Terrance accepts with confidence.
For the first round, Moe does 10 back-flips continuously. A crowd watching the whole thing, claps. Unfortunately,
Terrance also does the back-flips and wins the round.
For the second round, Moe does a hand stand and walks around for several minutes without losing balance. This round is also won by Terrance.
For the final round, Moe ask f
Q: What's the best way to kill a man?
A: Put a pretty blonde and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.
Q: Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
Q: What is the difference between men and women:....
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need...A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
Q. Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize 1 egg ?
A. They don't stop for directions.
Q: How does a man keep his youth?
A: By giving HER money, furs and diamonds.
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals"
There's a blind old lady who live with her 5 grand children. Every morning the kid's got up and prepared to go to school, just before they left they each gave her a kiss and walk out at the same time she touches' the kid's face and call out their name.
After school they each gave her a kiss at the front door and head in, as each kid's kiss her, she just touch the kid's face and she would say, "Hello Simon, Your getting chubby every day."
She touches another face and she said, "Hello Sarah, Your getting finer."
She feels the other kid. "Hello Tom."
"Hello Mark, You're looking fine.
"Hello Marry, You are beautiful.
However mark, is so annoyed by her grandmother that he decided to put her into
A new man is brought into Prison Cell 102.
Already there is a long-time resident who looks 100 years old.
The new man looks at the old-timer inquiringly.
The old-timer says, "Look at me. I'm old and worn out.
You'd never believe that I used to live the life of Riley.
I wintered on the Riviera, had a boat, four fine cars, the most beautiful women, and I ate in all the best restaurants of France."
The new man asked, "What happened?"
"One day Riley reported his credit cards missing!"
You know your are in Alaska when you go to court and they ask you where you were on the night of October to April!
You know we all have those moments and I'm going to share a few of them with you.
At lunch I was going crazy looking for my purse. It was literally right in front of me...on the table.
My friend across from me suddenly said "Where's Tina?" She was sitting right next to her.
I was having a conversation with my friend on the bus and five seconds later I couldn't remember what it was about. I still can't Maybe it was about bread....
When people lose their cell phones why don't they just call them? Even if they're on vibrate you can still hear them a little bit.....
At work I'm constantly trying to give change in dimes instead of just using a quarter....I know not that bad but yea.
I had t
One day my cousin says, "Oh, I love your hair. Show me how you do it!"
"OK," I reply.
"OK?" my cousin says; "you're not supposed to say OK! You're supposed to have a temper tantrum and scream, 'No! It's MY secret and I'm not going to tell you!' OK?"
"You're just being stupid as usual. Leave me alone."
Little cousins. *SHISH!*
A few weeks later she comes up to me and says, "I like your make-up. Can you show me how to do make-up?"
"You're too young," I reply.
Now she's got the hissy fit going on (AGAIN).
"I am NOT TOO YOUNG! Show me how to do make-up or I'll bite myself than tell Mama you did it like all those other times I said you bit me!" She yells.
I turn around and say, "Too L
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