Age 27 - I've learned that I should never praise my mother's cooking when I'm eating something fixed by my wife. Age 30 - I've learned that motel mattresses are better on the side away from the phone. Age 31 - I've learned that nothing really bad happens when you tear those little "do not remove" tags from pillows. Age 42 - I've learned that marrying for money is the hardest way of getting it. Age 52 - I've learned that if you like garlic salt and Tabasco sauce you can make almost anything taste good. Age 53 - I've learned that after age 50 you get the furniture disease. That's when your chest falls into your drawers.

The first TV network kids show in the U.S. was "Captain Kangaroo." Before 1687 clocks were made with only an hour hand. There are towns named Sandwich in Illinois and Massachusetts. Caterpillars have over 2,000 muscles.

How to identify a dumb guy. You should be sure the person is a dum guy when he: • Puts lipstick on the forehead because he wants to make up his mind. • Gets stabbed in a shoot-out. • Sends a fax with a postage stamp on it. • Tries to drown a fish in water. • Thinks socialism means partying. • Trips over a cordless phone. • Takes a ruler to bed to see how long he slept. • At the bottom of the application where it says "Sign Here" he puts "Sagittarius." • Studies for a blood test and fails. • Sells the car for gas money. • Misses the 44 bus, and takes the 22 twice instead. • Drives to the airport and sees a sign that said, "Airport left", he turns around and goes home.

Game Set Match = Tennis Set Match Run = Arson

If people listened to themselves more often, they would talk less.

"I'm feeling so ashamed of the way we live," a wife said to her husband, who preferred to spend his time laying on the couch watching TV, rather than finding a job. "My father pays our mortgage, my mother buys all of our groceries for us, my sister buys us our clothes, my uncle bought us a car. I'm feeling so ashamed." The husband raised his head and replied, "Well, you should feel ashamed. Those three worthless brothers of yours never even give us a cent!"

A busdriver was driving 50 kids to camp. They were passing a big deep lake that was beautiful and cyan. One kid asked the nice busdriver, "Can we go in that lake?" The busdriver replies "sure. can you swim?" The kids say, "Yes but only in very, very shallow water." The busdriver never saw this lake before, he thought it was shallow. People nearby were stunned to see a bus full of kids turn and drive right into the lake.

Do this on a calculator! So here's the story: a woman had 69 boobs which was too too too much. So she went to 51st street and the doctor took all the time he had and ate all the boobs and she became boobless! 69 boobs 222 much 51st street 6922251 X time 6922251 X 8 ate 6922251 =55378008 flip your calculator, and she became boobless!

There were three men stranded on an island with nothing to eat, but a bowl of mac n cheese. The first guy says, "I have an idea, lets all swim to the other side and the first one there gets the bowl of mac n cheese". They all tie so the second guy says, "I have an idea, lets all swim back and the first one back gets the bowl of mac n cheese". They all tie again and the third guy says, "I have an idea, lets all go to sleep and the one with the best dream gets the bowl of mac n cheese". The next morning the first guy says, "I dreamed I ate all the mac n cheese in the world". The second guy says, "I dreamed I ate the bowl of mac n cheese". The third guy says, "Yankee Doodle went to town ridin o

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened, and the man explained. "Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing; then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help - she tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothin

What is the world's sharpest thing? A fart! It goes through your pants without leaving a hole!

I bet you I could stop gambling.