A professional photographer, at a friend's house for dinner, was asked to show his portfolio from a recent overseas trip. His friends were quite impressed. "What wonderful photos!" said the host's wife. "You must have a very expensive camera." The photographer just smiled and waited until after dinner, when he said, "Thank you for the delicious meal. You must have very *expensive* pans!"

There were three men stranded on an island with nothing to eat, but a bowl of mac n cheese. The first guy says, "I have an idea, lets all swim to the other side and the first one there gets the bowl of mac n cheese". They all tie so the second guy says, "I have an idea, lets all swim back and the first one back gets the bowl of mac n cheese". They all tie again and the third guy says, "I have an idea, lets all go to sleep and the one with the best dream gets the bowl of mac n cheese". The next morning the first guy says, "I dreamed I ate all the mac n cheese in the world". The second guy says, "I dreamed I ate the bowl of mac n cheese". The third guy says, "Yankee Doodle went to town ridin o

Q: What did the Dallas chief of police say when the elephant walked into the police station? A: Nothing! He didn't notice.

If it wasn't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I've never figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I've never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!" So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear . . . "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you j

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!" As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed... "YES! YES! I WON, I WON!" She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes andquickly departed... The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought

What is the world's sharpest thing? A fart! It goes through your pants without leaving a hole!

Class was starting, and the teacher was taking attendance. She noticed that two of her top students were missing. Right after that, Billy came in. She asks him, "Why are you late?" He replies, "I was just on top of Blueberry Hill." The teacher tells him to sit. A few minutes later Timmy comes in. The teacher asks him, "Why are you late?" He replies, "I was just on top of Blueberry Hill." She tells him to sit. A few minutes later a new girl walks into class. The teacher says, "Oh you must be the new girl. What's your name?" The girl replies, "I'm Blueberry Hill."

Mik: "Do skunks have a good sense of smell?" Mak: "No! If they did, they'd jump off a cliff!"

Do you know what the secret of an islamic marriage is? The man get's to see a striptease every night!

Q. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in the other hand, what would you have? A. Very large hands. Q. How can you lift an elephant with one hand? A. It is not a problem, since you will never find an elephant with one hand. Q. How can a man go eight days without sleep? A. No Problems , He sleeps at night.

The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin, and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?" "OK, sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the prisoner in the prison." And then they made love for the first time. Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction. Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey, the prisoner seems to have escaped." Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him." After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes, but the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experienc