What do you call frozen blonds? Frosted Flakes!

My uncle is very superstitious. He won't work any week that has a Friday in it.

My friend's mom is so fat I was upstairs and when she fell I ran down screaming, "EARTHQUAKE!"

You Know You're Addicted to AIM When... 1.) Three words: Carpal tunnel syndrome 2.) You no longer type with proper punctuation, capitalization, or complete sentences... 3.) You're pissed off your buddy list can only hold 200 screen names. 4.) You begin to say hehehe instead of laughing. 5.) You can now type over 70 words per minute. 6.) You type messages to people who are right next to you or on the phone with you. 7.) You won't work at a company that blocks AIM 8.) You sign on and immediately get 10 messages from other people 9.) You have a couple screen names, some of them secret. 10.) You type in random screen names, just to see if anyone has them. 11.) Your screenn

What key opens no lock? A Monkey!

A man stepped onto the overnight train and told the conductor, "I need you to wake me up in Philadelphia. I'm a deep sleeper and can be ornery when I get up, but no matter what, I want you to help me make that stop. Here's $100 to make sure." The conductor agreed. The man fell asleep, and when he awoke he heard the announcement that the train was approaching New York. Furious, he collared the conductor. "I gave you $100 to make sure I got off in Philadelphia, you worthless fool!" "Wow," another passenger said to his traveling companion. "Is that guy ever mad!" "Yeah," his companion replied. "But not half as mad as that guy they forced off the train in Philadelphia."

D.A.R.E. sadly doesn't stand for Drugs Are Really Excellent.

What's the best way to talk to a shark? Long distance!

How to Make Cookies: 1. Make the batter with everything but the vanilla. 2. Walk to your nearest appliance shop. 3. Buy a telephone and walk home. 4. Call a friend. 5. Have her drive you to the airport. 6. Buy a plane ticket to St. Louis MO, USA (home is where the heart is). 7. Walk to a little shop and buy a little measuring cup. 8. Walk back to the airport (I hope you have good shoes, it might be a long walk). 9. Catch a plane home. 10. Measure the vanilla. WAIT! You're a TSP. short... 11. Call your friand back, have her drive you to the airport again... 12. Buy vanilla.

When you are young, you want to be the master of your fate and the captain of your soul. When you are older, you will settle for being the master of your weight and the captain of your bowling team.

Once, there were three young men named Poop, Manners and Shutup, and one day they were riding their bikes when Poop fell off his bike, so Manners went to help Poop, while Shutup went to the police. When Shutup arrived at the police station, he said, "Quick! My friend fell off his bike!" So the police said, "Let's start at the beginning. What's your name?" then Shutup said, "Shutup" (because that was his name.) But the police didn't understand, so he said, "Where's your manners?" Shutup said "Picking up Poop!"

Yo momma is so poor, when I went to her house to use the bathroom, she told me to pick a corner.