I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth. If I save time, when do I get it back? What was the best thing before sliced bread? Consciousness: That annoying time between naps. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. The gene pool could use a little chlorine. I may be fat, but you are ugly and I can lose weight. I'm really easy to get along with once people learn to worship me. It's lonely at the top, but you eat better. Smile. It's the second best thing you can do with your lips. If the left side of the brain controls the right hand, then only left-handed people are in their right mind. Why does your nose run and your feet smell? Does fuzzy logic tickle

My daughter was going over to the neighbor's house to visit but didn't want to miss a call from her boyfriend so she took the cordless phone with her. While at the neighbor's she wanted to check back at home to see if her younger brother was okay. My daughter then picked up the neighbor's phone and dialed our number. While waiting for someone to answer the phone at home, the phone she brought over with her began to ring. She immediately hung up the neighbor's phone and answered our phone. There was no one there. She wanted to know who it was who called so she used our phone to call our house. The line was busy. Getting very frustrated she left the neighbor's to go home and see who was on the

A black man dies on Halloween; he is sent to purgatory for a year. On the next Halloween, the man sees angels and God. He asked God if he is going to get wings and become an angel. God says, "No nigga, you are going to be a bat."

Late one night at the insane asylum one inmate shouted, "I am Napoleon!" Another one said, "How do you know?" The first inmate said, "God told me!" Just then, a voice from another room shouted, "I did NOT!"

I use to eat natural foods, but then I found out that 65% of all people die of natural causes.

A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second. A dime has 118 ridges around the edge. A cat has 32 muscles in each ear. A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours. A goldfish has a memory span of 3 seconds.

The Bible does not say there were three wise men; it only says there were three gifts. The cruise liner, QE2, moves only 6 in. for each gallon of diesel that if burns. The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter in the alphabet. The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid. The words 'racecar' 'kayak' 'level' and 'radar' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left. (palindromes)

Dear Abby has received lots of letters about funny names. Here are just a few sent to her! My father was born in Menomonie, Wis., and later taught there. He used to tell me about a law firm there called Ketchum and Cheatum. Also, he had a high school classmate named Iva Liver. - ANN, COLUMBUS, OHIO Years ago, I interviewed an attorney who was supposed to handle an important matter for me. His name: Rex R. Case. (Needless to say, I did not hire him!) - LINDA, N.J. I read the front section of the paper, where I encountered the following. It's titled, "Circumcision of African men can cut HIV risk by half." The physician quoted from the World Health Organization is Dr. Kevin De Cock. - BONNIE

How do you confuse a frog? Put it in a round bowl and tell it to take a nap in the corner. How does a frog confuse you? When he comes out and says he needed that nap and feels much better!

dum guy calls Air India. "How long does it take to fly to Amritsar?" "Just a sec," says the rep. Thank you." says the dum guy and hangs up. >Once a dum guy was travelling on a train. He felt sleepy so he gave the guy sitting opposite him on the train 20 rupees to wake him up when the station arrived. This guy was a barber, and he felt that for 20 Rupees, the dum guy deserved more service. So, when the dum guy fell asleep, the barber quietly shaved off his beard. When the station arrived, the dum guy was woken up, and he went home. Reaching home, he went to wash his face, and suddenly screamed when he saw the mirror. Said his wife " What's the matter?" Replied he "The cheat on the train

Q: What is the President Bush's new fitness program to get people walking again? A: GAS at $3/gallon Q: When visiting India what did George W think upon seeing a woman with a red dot on her forehead? A: Holy Shit!!!! She must've been hunting with Cheney Q: Whats the best birthday gift you can give to George W? A: An Exit Strategy from Iraq Q: Why is George Bush giving tax cuts like Jim Jones giving Kool-Aid? A: It tastes good but it'll kill you. Q: What would happen if George W Bush had selected the court in 1954? A: Clarence Thomas would have never got to law school." Q: Why did the Iraqi women shave there fannies? A: To send a message out "No more Bush" Q: George W. Bush is now

And then there was the glass-blower who got hiccups and made 764 marbles.