How many cops does it take to throw a man down the stairs? None. He fell.

After being away on business for a week before Christmas, Tom thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift. "How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a bottle costing $50. "That's a bit much," said Tom, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30. "That's still quite a bit," Tom groused. Growing disgusted, the clerk brought out a tiny $15 bottle. Tom grew agitated, "What I mean," he said, "is I'd like to see something really cheap." So the clerk handed him a mirror.

A woman and her lover are in bed, when there's a knock on the door. She says, "It must be my husband! Ok, I'll handle this." She grabs the trash bin, opens the door and, smiling sweetly, says to her husband, "Darling, please empty the trash." While he is out, the other man escapes and walks back home. He thinks, "She is sooo smart, unlike my wife." He comes up to his door and knocks, his wife opens the door, and hands him the trash bin, saying, "Darling, please empty the trash bin." He carries the basket, thinking, "What a stupid bitch! The whole damn day at home, and can't find some time to empty the trash!"

My grandson is four and can recite the whole Gettysburg Address. Abraham Lincoln couldn't do it until he was fifty-four. - Sam Levenson.

So, a thought crossed your mind? Must have been a long and lonely journey. Pardon me, but you've obviously mistaken me for someone who gives a damn. I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in? I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time? If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person alive. I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it really works! Have you considered suing your brains for non-support? Don't you need a license to be that ugly? I see the wheel is spinning, but the hamster looks dead. If you had another brain, it would be lonely.

·In several places on your tax forms, he's written, "Give or take a million dollars." ·Tells you to put all your money into British cattle futures. ·You notice that his "calculator" is just a broken VCR remote. ·Insists that there's no such number as four. ·He laughed at the Bob Dole background check. ·Counts family of squirrels living in your yard as dependents. ·Advises you to save postage by filing your taxes telepathically. ·Instead of C.P.A. license, he's got a framed photo of a shirtless Alex Trebek. ·Demands that you call him the "Una-Countant." ·He's got a 1040 Form tattooed on his arm.

Q. Why was the Chunnel built under the English Channel? A. So the French government could to flee to London.

Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it?

Pat and Mick landed themselves a job at a saw mill. Just before morning tea Pat yelled: "Mick! I lost my finger!" "Have you now?" says Mick. "And how did you do it?" "I just touched this big spinning thing here like this...Damn! There goes another one!"

I went for a 5 mile run today. 2 laps around yo mum!

I have no soul. yes, Thats why I'm an asshole! I have somethin' up my ass and no, that ain't no mole. I pick on everybody 'cause I'm a nobody. My girlfriend left me. Sometimes I go crazy and go out in the streets and yell "COME FUCK ME!" Everyone asks me, "Hey, whats up your ass!".Yeah I know I've sucked a lot of ass. The juices, oh, they are delicious as they come to pass. As I sit behind my computer and write jokes, my mother chokes On my cock. And I hear a knock. And who is it? Its my friend, a Gay. So, I send my mother away. I do it hardcore. I wont let him go 'til his ass is sore Even though my dick is inches-four. I have nothing to do 'cept suck on my dirty socks 'cause I am such

There was a coconut tree and 4 animals. 1. A Elephant 2. A Monkey 3. A Tiger 4. A Mouse Which one of these animals is going to climb up the tree to get the banana? NONE! "There was a COCONUT TREE" "...the tree to get the BANANA"