Dear __________________________,     I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as Mr. Right.  As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut.  I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening come available.  So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition: (Check those that apply) __ Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it. __ Your first name is ob

An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city, so upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight. The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her. She answered the phone, sobbing, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captaind asked, "Why not?" The stewardess replied, "There are only three doors in here," she cried, "one is the ba

There was a couple. One day the husband went to work, as usual. All of a sudden a man in a truck appeared at the front door. The husband, frightened, hid behind a tree. The man exchanged a few words with the wife and left. The husband decided to get rid of that man once and for all. The next day, the husband went to work. But this time, he carried a shotgun with him. The man in the truck came again, the husband shot the man. Then the wife came out and cried," You idiot! That man was filling in for my boyfriend!"

Yo momma so fat, she used pillowcases for socks.

One day a man was sitting in his favorite chair watching football when his wife walked up behind him and knocked him over the head with a frying pan. When he woke he asked, "What the hell was that for?!?" "I found this piece of paper in your pants while I was doing your laundry and it says Mary Lou 555-5555. Who the hell is Mary Lou?!?" she asks. "Aww honey, that's the name of the horse I was bettin' on last week!" "Oh I'm so sorry honey!" Three weeks later she came behind him and knocked him over the head with a frying pan and once again he woke up asking, "What the hell did I do this time?!?" "Your horse called," she replied.

While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball, and seeing none around it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts. Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change. A girl standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts. "What's that ?" she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust. "Tennis ball," came the breathless reply. "Oh," said the girl sympathetically, "that must be painful.... I had tennis elbow once."

I like to sleep, and stay in bed, all because you cracked a hammer on my head.

Darwin's Answer: It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees. Another of Darwin's Answers: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads. Johnny Cochran 's Answer: Because the road was black and the chicken was white. We must acquit. Snoop Dogg 's Answer: This (censored) fool of a chicken didn't (censored) know what the (censored) he was doin crossin a (censored) alley in (censored) Harlem at 1:00 in the (censored) mornin'. Bill Cosby 's Answer: Weeelll, ya see, the chicken crossed the road, and to get... to...the jello pudding pops. Homer Simpson 's Answer: There was free beer on

D.A.R.E. sadly doesn't stand for Drugs Are Really Excellent.

Yo mama's so scary, she killed Freddy Krouger in his own dreams.

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented? If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes? If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say? Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one? Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks? I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks? If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for? Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag? Last night I p

How to Make Cookies: 1. Make the batter with everything but the vanilla. 2. Walk to your nearest appliance shop. 3. Buy a telephone and walk home. 4. Call a friend. 5. Have her drive you to the airport. 6. Buy a plane ticket to St. Louis MO, USA (home is where the heart is). 7. Walk to a little shop and buy a little measuring cup. 8. Walk back to the airport (I hope you have good shoes, it might be a long walk). 9. Catch a plane home. 10. Measure the vanilla. WAIT! You're a TSP. short... 11. Call your friand back, have her drive you to the airport again... 12. Buy vanilla.