A young woman goes shopping and buys one bar of soap, one yogurt, one microwave dinner for one, one apple, and a romance novel. She goes to the checkout stand, where she notices that the clerk is staring at her. Flattered, she flutters her eyelashes and giggles nervously. He says, "Single, huh?" She replies coyly, "How did you guess?" "Because," he says, "You're ugly."

Two elderly Wal-Mart greeters were sitting on a bench during break time and one turns to the other saying, "Slim, I'm 73 years old and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age; how do you feel?" Slim says, "I feel just like a new born babe." Rather amazed at this reply, Slim's co-worker repeats his statement back in the form of a question, "Really? A new born babe?" "Yup," grins Slim, "No teeth, no hair and I think I just wet my pants."

Why didn't the zombie cross the road? Because he didn't have the guts!

What do you get when every car in the nation is pink? Answer: a pink carnation (the flower)

"So what's your dog's name?" "I don't know. He won't tell me."

It's only funny until someone gets hurt... Then it's hilarious!

A jealous husband hired a private detective to check on the movements of his wife. The husband wanted more than a written report; he wanted video of his wife's activities. A week later, the detective returned with a video. They sat down together to watch it. Although the quality was less than professional, the man saw his wife meeting another man! He saw the two of them laughing in the park. He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe. He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub. He saw the man and his wife participate in a dozen activities with utter glee. "I just can't believe this," the distraught husband said. The detective said, "What's not to believe? It's right up there on

What did the pirate say when he got cold? Shiver me timbers!!!

I know this isn't a joke, but I really need help. I need some advice on what could be a life changing decision. I've suspected for some time now that my girlfriend has been having an affair. The usual signs - phone rings, I answer, someone hangs up. She started going out 'with the girls' a lot recently, although when I ask which girls, it is always "Just some friends from work, you don't know them." I always look out for her taxi coming home but she always walks down the drive, although I can hear a car setting off, as if she has got out of the car round the corner. Why? Is it not a taxi? I once picked her mobile up just to see what time it was, and she went beserk and screamed that I

What did Batman say to Robin before getting in the Batmobile? "Get in the Batmobile, Robin!"

Fish + alien transpotation = Unidentified Frying Object

MISSION: GO TO GAP, BUY A PAIR OF PANTS Male Time: 6 min Cost: $33 Mission accomplished? Yes Extra stops: None Female Time: 3 hours 26 min Cost: $876 Mission accomplished? No Extra stops: Macy's, JC Penny, Sears...etc...etc...etc...