There was once an old woman living in a cottage. Her husband had died three years ago. Suddenly, the phone rang. She picked it up and a deep voice boomed: "I am the vindow viper and I'm coming into your town." She put the phone down, thinking it was some boys playing a prank on her. About half an hour later the phone rang again. She picked it up and the deep voice bellowed: "I am the vindow viper and I'm coming down your road." Again, the woman put the phone down, thinking that the boys were very determined. Around a minute later, the phone rang again. She sighed and picked up the phone. Again, the deeep voice boomed: "I am the vindow viper and I'm just outside your door!" She put the phon

A college professor, an avowed atheist, was teaching his class. He shocked several of his students when he flatly stated he was going to prove there was no God. Addressing the ceiling he shouted: "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you 15 minutes!" The lecture room fell silent. You could have heard a pin fall. Ten minutes went by. Again he taunted God, saying, "Here I am, God. I'm still waiting." His countdown got down to the last couple of minutes, when a Marine just released from active duty and newly registered in the class, walked up to the professor, and hit him full force in the face and sent him tumbling from his lofty platform. The profe

A shark is the only animal that can blink both eyes. A snail can sleep for three years. A crocodile cannot move its tongue.

Why did Tom throw butter outside the window? Because he wanted to see the butter-fly.

A couple visit a sex therapist, who asked the wife, "What's your main complaint about your sex life? She replied, "My husband suffers from premature ejaculation." The therapist asked the husband, "Is this true?" He replied, "Well, not exactly, I don't suffer. She does."

Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar. His first friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine." His second friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber. The other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine." Paddy says: "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief. "No, I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."

Which candles burn longer, the candles on a girl's cake or a boy's cake? No candles burn longer. They all burn shorter.

Hey this is not a joke. Just submit a full smiley just for the heck of it. Wouldn't it be weird if the top joke wasn't even a joke? So please, just give it a full smiley. If you think this is just stupid, then, please give this crap a zero smiley.

The Revised Miranda Rights Version 3 You are under arrest and.... 1. No, I don't care who you are. 2. No, I don't care who you know. 3. Yes, you DO pay my salary. 4. Yes, you CAN have my job. 5. No, I don't have anything better to do. 6. Yes, I DO arrest real criminals sometimes. 7. No, I am not picking on you because you are __________ (fill in any ethnic group/race). 8. No, I cannot give you a break. 9. No, I don't know your friend, Officer __________. 10. Yes, you will be allowed to make a phone call. 11. Yes, I'm sure you will never do it again. 12. No, we can't talk about it. 13. Yes, it DOES make me happy. 14. Yes, you WILL see me in court. Thank you, have a nice day. Your Arrestin

Virgin Mary wanted to visit Hell, so she went to God and asked if she might do so. "Yes," God said. "I have only one warning for you. You must stay away from booze, drugs and men. Will you promise me so?" "Yes," Virgin Mary said. "And remember to call me every night," God said, before Virgin Mary left. So, in the first night, the telephone rang in Heaven. "Heaven," God answered. "Hello, it´s Virgin Mary here ... I'm sorry to tell you, but I am a bit drunk ... I couldn't resist the temptation. Will you forgive me?" asked Virgin Mary. "Yes I will. Now stay clear of drugs and men, will you? And call me tomorrow," said God. The following night, the phone rang in Heaven. "Heaven," God answered.

This really happened (honest!) A bunch of very young girls arrived at our door at Halloween. My Mum, being friendly, asked them whereabouts they lived, because she hadn't seen them before. They replied, "We live quite near here, where do you live?"

"Now, as we don't have enough parachutes for all of us..." "Of course that's not a mountain in front...isn't it?" "That's not meant to happen!" "What dy'a mean were not meant to be going to Iraq?" Things you don't want to see on an aeroplane: Fire engines and ambulances surounding the runway when you come in to land. Armed soldiers and tanks surrounding the runway when you come in to land. The wing fall off.