1. Watch yourself eating in front of a mirror. If you're put off, that's the view your future partner will have... 2. Live on your own. It's important that you find out what a hopeless slob you are before your beloved tells you. And then leaves you... 3. Go out with your friends for a "quick drink" and stagger home three days later... 4. Have a holiday romance with someone who doesn't speak a word of English. Who needs conversation? 5. Women: Take the soft toys off your bed. Nothing turns a man off more than performing in front of an audience of beady-eyed teddies... 6. Men: Get rid of those "How to Get Girls Even Though You're Poor and Ugly' books. They never work anyway... 7. G

One day the goverment desided to see how we get along with other countries so they took an american, a frechman and a chinese guy and put them on an island for a year. They tell the american that he is in charge of building. They tell the frenchman that he is in charge of cooking. Then, finally they tell the chinese guy that he is in charge of supplies. One year later the goverment comes back and the american said: "Let me show you what I have built" and so he does. Then the frenchman said: "Let me show you what I have cooked." Then one of the goverment people asked what happened to the chinese guy and they said that the day that they were given their assigments he dissapeared. So they

Yo momma's so stupid and so fat that when she stepped on the scale and saw three 7s, she thought she won the jackpot.

Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with fourteen times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights. When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris kills anyone that asks, "You want fries with that" because by now everyone should know that Chuck doesn't ever want fries with anything. Ever. Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its decendants are known today as Giraffes. Sticks and stones may break your bones, but a Chuck Norris glare will liquefy your kidney

At one Army base, the annual trip to the rifle range had been cancelled for the second year in a row, but the semi-annual physical fitness test was still on as planned. One soldier mused, "Does it bother anyone else that the Army doesn't seem to care how well we can shoot, but they are extremely interested in how fast we can run?"

A young husband with an inferiority complex insisted he was just a little pebble on a vast beach. The marriage counselor, trying to be creative, told him, "If you wish to save your marriage, you'd better be a little boulder."

Why did the husband ask the wife before they were married to find her own friends for life? Because like most marriages he knows they will hate each other one day and she will need help from her friends or she commit suicide.

Yo momma is so cheap, she went to McDonalds and put a hamburger on lay-away.

one of my friends was in trouble because he had sex with his teacher, but the bad part is he's home schooled

In a recent survey, 4% of men preferred fat legs; 6% preferred skinny legs; while 90% preferred something in between.

1. Introduction to Common Household Objects I: The Mop. 2. Introduction to Common Household Objects II: The Sponge 3. Dressing Up: Beyond the Wedding and the Funeral. 4. Refrigerator Forensics: Identifying and Removing the Dead. 5. Design Pattern or Splatter Stain on the Linoleum? - You CAN Tell the Difference! 6. Accepting Loss I: If It's Empty, You Can Throw It Away. 7. Accepting Loss II: If the Milk Expired Three Weeks Ago, Keeping It In the Refrigerator Won't Bring It Back. 8. Going to the Supermarket: It's Not Just for Women Any More! 9. Recycling Skills I: Boxes that the Electronics Came In. 10. Recycling Skills II: Styrofoam that Came in the Boxes that the Electronics

One day a couple of rabbits found themselves being chased by a pack of wolves. They dashed into a thicket, and stood there panting. "So," gasped one to the other, "do you think we should keep running, or stay here until we outnumber them?"