- I want to give you something. - That's what your mom said to me last night.

What a bullfighter tries to do. (avoid-a-bull)

This is by me, the asshole who dupes himeself.

MONDAY: BREAKFAST - Who can eat breakfast on a Monday? Swallow some toothpaste while brushing your teeth LUNCH - Send your secretary out for six "Jr burgers". Y'know those little hamburgers that used to cost a dime but now cost sixty five cents? Also order French fries, a bowl of chili, a soft drink and have her stop on the way back for a family size bottle of juice. AFTERNOON SNACK - Drink the juice. DINNER - Six pack of beer and Kentucky fried chicken three-piece dinner, don't eat the coleslaw. TUESDAY: BREAKFAST - Eat the coleslaw LUNCH - Go to the office vending machine and put ninety five cents in and close your eyes, push a button and eat whatever comes out swallowing it whole t

What's the Swedish word for divorce and swearing? Ikea.

Yo momma's so ugly the bank had to turn its security cameras off when she came in.

A Japanese and an American are sitting next to each other in an airplane. The Japanese turns to the American and says "We are so technically advanced that we have exact replicas of ourselves so we can be at two places at the same time". He continues, "Therefore, I can be at work and at the same time have sex with my wife." All this while the American stays silent, then suddenly gets up and starts shaking his hips back and forth. The Japanese, confused, asks "What the hell are you doing?" The American, still shaking his hips, replies "I'm fucking my wife via Bluetooth!"

- How many blonds do you need to change a lightbulb ? - Hundred. One holds the lightbulb and the other ninety nine rotates the house.

Mary had a little lamb, fries and a coke.

A young boy, about eight years old, was at the store picking out a large box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do. "Oh, no laundry," the boy said. "I'm going to wash my dog." "But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him." But the boy was not stopped by this and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog. About a week later the boy was back in the store doing some shopping. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing. "Oh, he d

Sam and a beautiful woman walk into a very posh Beverly Hills furrier. "Show the lady your finest mink!" the fellow exclaims. So the owner of the shop goes in back and comes out with an absolutely gorgeous full-length coat. As the lady tries it on, the furrier discreetly whispers to the man, "Ah, sir, that particular fur goes for $65,000." "No problem! I'll write you a check!" "Very good, sir," says the shop owner. "Today is Saturday. You may come by on Monday to pick it up, after your check has cleared." So Sam and the woman leave. On Monday, the Morris returns. The store owner is outraged: "How dare you show your face in here? There wasn't a single penny in your checking account!" "I ju

A young clergyman, fresh out of seminary, thought it would help him better understand the fears and temptations his future congregations faced if he first took a job as a policeman for several months. He passed the physical examination; then came the oral exam to test his ability to act quickly and wisely in an emergency. Among other questions he was asked, "What would you do to disperse a frenzied crowd?" He thought for a moment and then said, "I would take up a collection."