Attending her first confession, the new nun tells the priest that she has a terrible secret. "Sister Dominique," the priest says, your secret is safe in the sanctity of the confessional." "Father," she says, "I never wear underwear under my habit." With a little chuckle, the priest says, "That is not too serious, Sister Dominique. For penance, say three Hail Marys, three Our Fathers and do five cartwheels on your way to the altar."

Two young cowboys - aged six and four - walked into the pretend bar for a drink. The older cowboy thumped his fist on the pretend bar and said to the pretend bartender, "Bartender, gimme a rye whiskey!" The younger cowboy was not to be outdone. "Yeah, and make mine a whole wheat!"

A policeman was rushed to the hospital with appendicitis. The doctors operated and informed him that all went well. However, he kept feeling something pulling at the hairs on his chest. Concerned that there was a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally mustered up the energy to pull his hospital gown down far enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable. Taped firmly across his hairy chest were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the type that doesn't come off easily. Written in large black letters was the sentence:- "Have a speedy recovery ... from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week."

In the hospital, a nurse is asking an old man what is his weight. The man is unsure about his weight so the nurse suggests that it is better if he check his weight now. He goes to the weighing scale and stands on it, then he goes back to the nurse. The nurse let him fill the form by himself. After he fills it, he gives it back to the nurse. When the nurse reads his weight, she is surprised that the man wrote, "82 kg - with glasses," there. The nurse asks the man, "Why must you write 'with glasses' there? I only ask for your weight. Why don't you write down your weight without the glasses?" "Because I can't read the scales and write without my glasses," the man replied.

Subject: 1997 Darwin Award Winner!!! For those who don't know, this award is an annual honor given to the person who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way; thus, eliminating his/her genetic material from the gene pool. For those of you who do know about the award, you may recall last year's Darwin Award winner: the man who found out moments before making a 300 MPH dent in an Arizona cliff that the JATO (Jet Assist Take-Off) unit he'd strapped to his car was not equipped with an off switch. 1995's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which fell on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out of it. And

Hopeless Romantic. Seeking: Filthy Whore

I believe in making the world safe for our children. But not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.

If you can touch it and you can see it, it's REAL. If you can touch it but you can't see it, it's TRANSPARENT. If you can't touch it but you can see it, it's VIRTUAL. If you can't touch it and you can't see it, it's GONE.

Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement - not even her parents' nasty divorce. Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear and she would be the best dressed mother-of-the-bride ever! A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new young wife had bought an identical dress! Jennifer asked her to exchange it, but she refused. "Absolutely not - I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it," she replied. Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, "Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day." A few days later, they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress. When they

Apparently safe sex takes on a whole new meaning when you are perched on the edge of a roof four stories in the air! On June 20, 2007 at 5 AM a 21 year-old couple was found naked in the road by a passing cabbie. Brent Tyler and Chelsey Tubleston were unconscious with obvious injuries and were taken to the nearest hospital where, despite treatment, were pronounced dead later that morning. Authorities were at a loss to explain what had happened. There were no wrecked cars, motorcycles, or any other witnesses to what had happened – and there were no signs of their clothing! Police found clues when they searched the top of a nearby building where they located their clothes, neatly folded. "I

Why do you never hear father-in-law jokes?

One day I gonna to Malta to a big hotel, in the morning I go down to eat a breakfast. I tell the waitress that I want two pieces of toast. She brings me only one piece. I tell her "I wanna two pieces". She say "Go to the toilet". I say "you don't understand, I wanna two pieces on my plate". She say to me, "you better not piss on the plate, you sonnawabitch". I do not even know this lady and she call me a sonnawabitch!! Later I go to eat at a bigger restaurant. The waiter brings me a Spoon and a knief but no fock. I tell her "I wanna a fock" and she tella me : "everyone wanna fuck". I tella her " you don't understand me...I wanna fock on the table". She say : "you better not fuck on the tab