For thirty years, Johnson had arrived at work at 9 a.m. on the dot; he had never missed a day and was never late. Consequently, when on one particular day 9 a.m. passed without Johnson's arrival, it caused a sensation. All work ceased, and the boss himself, looking at his watch and muttering, came out into the corridor. Finally, precisely at ten, Johnson showed up, clothes dusty and torn, his face scratched and bruised, his glasses bent. He limped painfully to the time clock, punched in, and said, aware that all eyes were upon him, "I tripped and rolled down two flights of stairs in the subway - nearly killed myself." The boss said, "And to roll down two flights of stairs took you a whole

Touring Ireland's countryside with a group of travel writers, we passed an immaculate cemetery with hundreds of beautiful headstones set in a field of emerald-green grass. Everyone reached for their cameras when the tour guide said the inventor of the crossword puzzle was buried there. He pointed out the location, "Three down and four across."

A Jewish lady named Mrs. Rosenberg who many years ago was stranded late one night at a fashionable resort on Cape Cod - one that did not admit Jews. The desk clerk looked down at his book and said, "Sorry, no room. The hotel is full." The Jewish lady said, "But your sign says that you have vacancies." The desk clerk stammered and then said curtly, "You know that we do not admit Jews. Now if you will try the other side of town..." Mrs. Rosenberg stiffened noticeably and said, "I'll have you know I converted to your religion." The desk clerk said, "Oh, yeah? Let me give you a little test. How was Jesus born?" Mrs. Rosenberg replied, "He was born to a virgin named Mary in a little town call

Just when you get really good at something, you don't need to do it any more.

Category: Situation Body: A lecher, a drunkard and a smoker arrive at hell and the devil says to them: "Don't worry, everything is happy here. To you, lecher, I am going to give you a full room of beautiful girls. To you, drunkard, I give you a thousand boxes of beer. And to you, smoker, I give you one ton of cigarettes. I will return after 10 years to see how you are." The 10 years passed and the devil returns. The lecher, happily, says to the devil: "Give me more girls than these, they are already boring to me." Soon it's going to see the drunkard and, also happily, says to the devil: "Give me more beers. I have already finished all of them". At last, it's going to see the smoker. But t

You might be a redneck if... Your gene pool doesn't have a "deep end."

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Did you hear about the thieves that broke into the United Jewish Appeal offices? They got away with over a million dollars in pledges!

Yo momma is so old, she has toys made in America.

[Jesus signed on at 11:29 pm.] Jesus: Hello and welcome to the kingdom of heaven! Bob: Oh wow you mean I can come in? Jesus: All are welcome. Tell me what is the way you died? Bob: Well I was in a coma. Half my family wanted me on life support half didn't. Jesus: I see... Bob: Oh crap brb [Bob went away at 11:31 pm.] Jesus: ? :( [Bob came back at 11:45 pm.] Bob: Sorry other half of the family Jesus: I see... now this is- Bob: brb [Bob went away at 11:47 pm.] Jesus: ... [Bob came back at 11:59 pm.] Bob: They just can't make up their minds! Jesus: Clearly... Bob: So Heaven eh? Jesus: Yea it's the most [Bob went away at 12:02 am] Jesus: Screw this. [Jesus signed out at 12:03 am.] [Bob came back

- I told you to knock before you enter my room! - Your mom.

Your dad has something wrong with his brain. After his appointment, the doctor says,"You have a spider, a termite, a pig, a cloud, a piece of poo, a tongue, and a camera in your brain so you'll have to have no brain for years." Then the doctor took operation on his brain.