You know you're a redneck when your brand new tv is sitting on your old ones.

Why did the banana go to the doctors? Because it wasn't peeling well

Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven ate nine!

Q. If they bring shrimp home on shrimp boats, fish home on fish boats, and clams home on clam boats, what do they bring crabs home on? A. The Captain's dinghy!

I'm trying computer dating, at least I'm not getting dumped... but I do get deleted.

A woman goes into Wal- Mart to buy a rod and reel. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the cash register . A Wal - Mart associate is standing there with dark shades on. She says," Excuse me , sir , can you tell me any thing about this rod and reel?" He says, "Ma'am, I'm blind but if you drop it on the counter I can tell you everthing about it from the sound it makes." She doesn't believe him , but drops it on the counter anyway. He says, "The rod and reel is $20." She says," That's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for so I'll take it." He walks behind the counter to th

If you put a slinky on an escalator, would it go forever?

Here are the reasons I'd Like to thank Wal-Mart, K-Mart, Target, and my local grocer for having 25 checkout lanes and only three open at any given time. - Waiting in long lines keeps my domestic brain from going completely idle -- there's so much to learn! - I can catch up on my magazine reading without buying any. - I have time to leave my cart in line and run back to get the 13 things on my list I forgot. - I can be one of those annoying cell phone users and catch up on all my phone calls to my insurance agent, mother-in-law, and Auntie Anne. - I can catch a quick catnap now rather than on the drive home. - I can assess what other people have in their carts and get exciting new

Yo momma so stupid she ties her shoes with spahgetti so she can eat and run.

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