The Englishman and the Scotsman both walk into a bar. The Irishman ducks under it.

Why are there so many bananas in the West? Because the Westerners are descended from apes.

In Chelm, the shammes used to go around waking everyone up for minyan (communal prayer) in the morning. Every time it snowed, the people would complain that, although the snow was beautiful, they could not see it in its pristine state because by the time they got up in the morning, the shammes had already trekked through the snow. The townspeople decided that they had to find a way to be woken up for minyan without having the shammes making tracks in the snow. The people of Chelm hit on a solution: they got four volunteers to carry the shammes around on a table when there was fresh snow in the morning. That way, the shammes could make his wake up calls, but he would not leave tracks in the s

To sum up the Russians' experience with political leaders thus far: Lenin showed how a country can be ruled; Stalin showed how a country should be ruled; Khrushchev showed that a moron can rule a country; Brezhnev showed that not just any moron can rule a country.

Yo mama is SO fat that the amount of food she eats for dinner could feed ALL the Ethiopeans for a year!

A black man and a Jew jump off a building; who wins? Society.

I have a friend named Ben who says the dardest things. Me an a different friend have compiled a list of the best ones _____________________________ Max: Have you noticed that people with lisps can't say lisp? Ben: Really?.. Lisp, Max: Ben you don't have a lisp -.- _____________________________ They make up some excuse about an over-time relationship thing. You mean long distance? _____________________________ shut up you criticism _____________________________ You know max, you get what you dish out and if you don't like it get out of the kitchen. _______________________________ I think it's a spiff or something! ********************************* Okay but you can't wake up on pur

An Illinois man left the snowballed streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor dead. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this

A man, trying to understand the nature of God, asked Him, "God, how long is a million years to you?" God answered, "A million years is like a minute." Then the man asked, "God, how much is a million dollars to you?" And God replied, "A million dollars is like a penny." Finally, the man asked, "God, could you give me a penny?" And God said, "In a minute."

Whoever said nothing is impossible has never tried slamming a revolving door.

What do hookers and bungee jump cords have in common? They're both cheap, fast and if the rubber breaks, your dead!

Locomotive: A crazy reason for a crime!