Popular Jokes
Yo Momma is so ugly, that when she met the ugliest man on Earth, he shrieked in terror and jumped out the window.
Good: You & Your wife decide not to have kids.
Bad: Your wife can't find the birth control pills
Ugly: You daughter borrowed them.
A Japanese girl accidentally lets out a disturbing fart after making love!
She said: "Aww, so sorry. Excuse please, front hole so happy, back hole laugh out loud!!
It's a sunny morning in a big forest and the Bear family is just waking up. Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks.
Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl. It is also empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he roars.
Mommy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch and screams, "For gosh sakes, how many times do we have to go through this crap? I haven't made the porridge yet!"
1. Cigarette : A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool at the other.
2. Love affairs : Something like cricket where one-day internationals are more popular than a five day test.
3. Marriage : It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her master
4. Divorce : Future tense of marriage
5. Lecture : An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students "without passing through the minds of either".
6. Conference : The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
7. Compromise : The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
8. Tears
A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her,
"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle? If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer.
You understand the rationalization of an acronym comprised of acronyms.
You can name the project leader of more than 10 projects including your own, but still can't explain in the simplest terms what they do.
You know that the location of a meeting is directly related to its importance:
(1) A meeting at Fort Hood requires a subordinate or a contractor.
(2) The same meeting at Lake Tahoe requires your personal attention.
You work for an acronym, on an acronym, and your job title is an acronym.
You've sat at the same desk for 3 years, done the same thing for 3 years, but have had 3 different business cards.
The process becomes more important than the product.
You don't see anythi
An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "They're not getting divorced if I have anything to do about it," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."
She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divor
My wife has not spoken to me in three days. I think it has something to do with what happened on Sunday night when she thought she heard a noise downstairs.
She nudged me and whispered, "Wake up, wake up!"
"What's the matter?" I asked.
"There are burglars in the kitchen. I think they're eating the tuna casserole I made tonight."
"That'll teach them!" I replied.
There Is an old lady who lives in a 14 story hotel. She lives on the 14th floor. Every morning, she goes down into the lobby, gets cereal and goes on a walk. On mornings when it is raining, she uses the elevator all of the way up to get to her room after she goes on her walk. On mornings when it is not raining after she's eaten, she only goes to floor 7 and then uses the stairs to walk the rest of the way up.
Why?
Because she is a midget. On mornings when it is raining, she has her umbrella to go on the walk so she can use the umbrella to touch the top button in the elevator. When it isnt raining, she doesn't have her umbrella and she can only reach the button for floor 7.
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