Seven-year-old Timmy had been the center of his parents' lives up until the time his new baby sister came along. He found it very difficult to share their attention and was becoming more and more jealous. When his little sister was a year old, his parents took him aside and told him that since she was getting bigger, their house was too small, so they would be moving to a bigger house. "Why bother," Timmy grumbled, "She's crawling good now, so she'll probably just follow us."

"Well, Jonathan, what are you going to do about the excess weight you're carrying around?" the doctor asked. "I don't understand it, Doc," Jonathan replied, "I just can't seem to lose weight. I must have an overactive thyroid." "Jonathan, the tests show that your thyroid is perfectly normal," replied the doctor. "It's your fork that's overactive."

Lemon Grove A woman was applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove. When the foreman looked over her application, he felt she was far too qualified for the job. "Look, Miss Carter," said the foreman, "do you have any actual experience in picking lemons?" "Oh, yes, I certainly do," she replied. "I've been divorced four times."

Pablo Picasso surprised a burglar at work in his new chateau. The intruder got away, but Picasso told the police he could do a rough sketch of what he looked like. On the basis of his drawing, the police arrested a mother superior, the minister of finance, a washing machine, and the Eiffel tower.

Yo momma is so poor, she hangs the toilet paper out to dry!

100 Reasons Why It's Great To Be A Guy Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. Movie nudity is virtually always female. You know stuff about tanks. A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase. Monday Night Football. You don't have to monitor your friends' sex lives. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter. You can open all your own jars. Old friends don't give a crap whether you've lost or gained weight. Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind. When clicking through the channels, you don't have to stall at every shot of somebody crying. Your butt is never a factor in job interviews. All your orgasms are real. A beer gut doesn't make you invisible to the opposite s

Little Johnny's 2nd grade teacher was quizzing them on the alphabet. "Johnny," she says, "what comes after 'O'?" Johnny says, "Yeah!"

Fill in the blank: The person who spends all of today bragging about what he is going to accomplish tomorrow probably did the very same thing _________. Yesterday.

What's the difference between man and life? Life is always hard.

Yo mama so short that you can see her feet on the driver license. Yo mama so ugly that when she was born the doctor slap her parents. Yo mama so dumb that she sat on the tv and watches her wheelchair.

yo mama so hairy and fat, that when she went to a museum they yelled "the mammoth's alive!"

A city slicker was driving through the country when he spotted a horse standing in a field. He was quite taken with the animal and so pulled over to ask the farmer if it was for sale. "Afraid not," said the farmer. "I'll give you a thousand bucks!" said the city fella. "I can't sell you that horse. He don't look too good," replied the farmer. "I know horses, and he looks fine. I'll give you two thousand!" "Well, all right, if you want him so bad." The next day, the man returned the horse, screaming that he had been gypped. "You sold me a blind horse!" "Well," said the farmer, "I told you he didn't look too good."