I joined a health club last year, spent about $400, and haven't lost a pound. Apparently, you have to show up.

Some people divorce for good reasons, some for bad. Then there are people who divorce for these reasons: A man from Conneticut filed for divorce because his wife left him a note on the refrigerator that read "I won't be home when you return from work. Have gone to the bridge club. There'll be a recipe for your dinner at seven o'clock on Channel 2." A housewife filed for divorce on the grounds that her husband was having an affair. The woman became suspicious when every time the phone rang, her myna bird spouted things like "Divorce," "I love you" and "Be patient."

Yo momma's so fat that when I take a picture of her and hang it on the wall, it still falls down!

One night at a bar a guy and a woman happen to meet. The woman confides, "I was recently divorced, I'm embarrassed to say, but it's because my husband said I was too kinky." The guy gasps and says, "I am also recently divorced, and my wife complained I was too kinky." The woman says, "Look, we're both adults and I think we both know why we came here to this bar, let's just cut to it. I don't live too far away, let's go back to my apartment and get kinky." The guy quickly agrees and off to the apartment they go. Upon arriving at the apartment the woman says, "I want to go to the bedroom and get into something special, I won't be long." She goes to the bedroom and begins undressing, slowly s

90 percent of people in Idaho say, "Oh shit!" when in a car wreck, The other ten percent say, "Hold my beer and watch this shit!"

Yo momma is so dumb I told her to do an essay and she went and fucked a mexican...

Johnny comes back from school crying and says, "Mommy all the kids in the school say I have a big head." His mother replies, "No you don't Johnny. You have a hideously deformed head. The other children are merely hiding the truth to protect your feelings."

She is not a BLEACHED BLONDE - she is PEROXIDE DEPENDENT. She is not a BAD COOK - she is MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE. She does not wear TOO MUCH JEWELRY - she is METALLICALLY OVERBURDENED. She is not CONCEITED - she is INTIMATELY AWARE OF HER BEST QUALITIES. She does not want to be MARRIED - she wants to lock you in DOMESTIC INCARCERATION. She does not GAIN WEIGHT - she is a METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER. She does not TEASE or FLIRT - she engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION. She is not DUMB - she is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY. She is not TOO SKINNY - she is SKELETALLY PROMINENT. She does not HAVE A MUSTACHE - she is IN TOUCH WITH HER MASCULINE SIDE.

A congregation honors a rabbi for twenty-five years of service by sending him to Oahu for a week, all expenses paid. When he enters his hotel room, there's a nude girl lying on the bed. He picks up the phone, calls his temple, and says, "Where is your respect? As your rabbi, I am extremely angry with you." Hearing this, the girl immediately gets up and starts to get dressed. He says, "Where are you going? I'm not angry with you..."

A farmer and his friend were leaning on a fence chatting. Suddenly, the local Game Warden showed up and insisted on checking the farmer's property and, in particular, a certain field. The farmer refused to allow him access to the field but the Warden insisted he had the right, saying, "I'm the Game Warden and I have a card! This card allows me to go in." Before the farmer could stop him, the Warden was off into the field. Soon, a horrifying scream pierced the air and the Warden, being chased by a massive bull, reappeared running for his life. "Help, help!" he cried. The farmer shouted back, "Show him your card! Show him your card!"

While his mother was having a consultation with the doctor, Little Johnny could be heard terrorizing the people in the waiting room, yet she made no attempt to restrain him. A few minutes later, they heard some clattering in an adjoining room, but still she did nothing. Finally, after an extra-loud crash, she casually said to the doctor, "I hope you don't mind Little Johnny playing in there." "No, not at all," the doctor replied calmly. "I'm sure he'll calm down as soon as he finds the poison."

"While getting dressed one morning, I decided I have been spending waaaaay too much time on the computer, when I caught myself checking the lower right corner of my make-up mirror to see what time it was." - Unknown