What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? Gucci sweats and Reeboks. And where was the location of the accident? Approximately milepost 498. And where is milepost 498? Probably between milepost 498 and 500. Did you blow your horn or anything? After the accident? Before the accident. Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it. Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing? Yes. Did the defendant say anything when she got out of the car? Yes, sir. What did she say? What disco am I at?

"Hey Sean, I've got a job lined up for you, can you turn up tomorrow, about tenish?" "Tennish? I don't even have a racket"

I. Why does a man wants to have a WIFE? Because: W = Washing I = Ironing F = Food E = Entertainment. Why does a woman wants to have a HUSBAND? Because: H = Housing U = Understanding S = Sharing B = Buying A = and N = Never D = Demanding. II. HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN: Compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, tease her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, hold her, spend money on her, wine & dine her, buy things for her, listen to her, care for her, stand by her, support her, go to the ends of the earth for her. HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN: Show up naked. Bring Beer. III. How To Impress A Man: Trust him, cook at least

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me and my brother who is four years older than I am. I was maybe 1 and a half years old and had just recovered from an in which my arm had been broken among other injuries. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news and my brother was playing nearby in the living room when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!

Mom: Jimmy, did you pick up your room yet? JImmy: No mom, it's too heavy.

Nathan goes to see his doctor. After a lengthy examination the doctor sighs, and says, "I've some bad news for you, Nathan. You have an incurable cancer. I suggest you quickly put your affairs in order." Nathan is initially shocked, but then, being a calm, solid character, he composes himself and quietly leaves the doctor's office. His son Max is waiting for him. "Max," says Nathan, "we celebrate when things are good and we sometimes celebrate when things are not so good. In my case, Max, things aren't so good - I have cancer, so I suggest we go to my golf club for a few drinks." 4 or 5 glasses of whisky later, the two are feeling a little less sad. Then, after a few laughs and some more gl

The computer, the greatest invention in life even though it's bad for you.

Would you like some chocolate ice cream and lemonade? Yes? Ok! *shits* chocolate ice cream and *pisses* lemonade!that would be $5.00

How do you shut up a crying baby? Finish the job.

Honecker meets Mao and asks him: "How many political opponents do you have in China?" Mao: "I estimate about 17 million." Honecker: "Oh, that's pretty much the same here." (The GDR had 17 million inhabitants)

Have you an unusual Intelligence? Do you find you lose interest in supposedly "Interesting movies"? It could be that you're one of the 5% of the population that has the mental capacity of a steaming turd! If so, you may want to join M.U.N.S.A. - Mentally Unemployed and Noticeably Stupid Association. Try the questionnaire below. The results could surprise you! If you can't even read the question, you're halfway there already - just get someone to fill out our full colour brochure at any trailing chemist, and you'll be in for some, good old fashioned non-challenging material. 1. Which of the following WAS one of the famous Marx Brothers? a. STRETCH b. SKID c. HARPO d. TYRE 2. The number mi

One old bolshevik says to another: "No my friend, we will not live long enough to see communism, but our children... poor children."