Why did the squirrel cross the road? Because it was NUTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yo Momma's so stupid, that I told her to do the robot, and damn! Now R2-D2 got AIDS!

What is a 4 letter sport that starts with a T? Golf. (Golf starts with a tee!)

This is a true story from the WordPerfect helpline. Needless to say, the help desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause." Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee with a caller: "Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?" "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect." "What sort of trouble?" "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away." "Went away?" "They disappeared." "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?" "Nothing." "Nothing?" "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type." "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?" "H

One Sunday a pastor asked his congregation to consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns. After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had contributed a $1,000 bill. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation, and said he'd like to personally thank the person who had placed the money in the plate. A very quiet, elderly, saintly widow shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and asked her to pick out three hymns. H

You were so ugly as a baby you were the poster child on the birth control posters.

2 cops are sitting in their car outside of a local bar. They were waiting to see if anyone would drive home drunk. A guy stumbles out, obviously drunk out of his mind. He falls down flat on his face. 5 bar patrons leave the bar. The cops don't care about the other patrons, they are just waiting for him to start up his car. He falls again on his face. 5 more patrons leave the bar. Finally the drunk stumbles to his car door and opens it up and sits inside. 6 patrons leave the bar. Finally the drunk starts up his car but before he could move the cops are on him sticking a breathalyzer in his face. He takes the test and passes with blood alcohol level of 0.00. The cops are pissed and asked h

Several elderly nuns were in their second floor convent one night when a fire broke out. They took their habits off, tied them together to make a rope, and climbed out the window. After they were safely on the ground and out of the building, a news reporter came over to one of the nuns and said to her, "Weren't you afraid that the habits could have ripped or broken since they are old?" The nun replied, "Nah, don't you know old habits are hard to break?"

Yo Mama is so fat that when she ran away they had to use all four sides of the milk carton.

Q: How many aerobics instructors does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Five. Four to do it in perfect synchrony and one to stand there going "To the left, and to the left, and to the left, and to the left, and take it out, and put it down, and pick it up, and put it in, and to the right, and to the right, and to the right, and to the right..."

A man is at the gates of heaven, but his life was very borderline good and bad; so St. Peter decides to have a contest. He gives the choice of the man answering a question or asking a question. If the man cannot get the answer he's asked or St. Peter can't answer the question then the man gets into heaven. The man decides to ask. He takes a piece of paper, pokes 1000 holes in it, and puts it to his butt and farts. He then asks St. Peter, "Which hole did my fart come out of?" St. Peter replies, "That's easy; this one," and he points to a hole. The man smiles and says, "Nope! It came out of this one!" and he points to his ass.

A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial-a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you." The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know t