Two people were at a bar resting when one said, "I wish I was God." The other said, "Are you mad?" And the other says, "How could you say such a thing?" and the reply is, "I don't want to have to lose all of Buddha's fat!"

A young man was in town looking for a little something from the ladies. A cab driver gave him an address and told him he could find anything he wanted there. When the young man arrived, he saw a door with a small panel on it. He knocked and the panel slid open. A female voice asked what he wanted. "I want to get screwed," said the man. "OK, but this is a private club. Slide twenty bucks in the slot as an initiation fee," answered the voice. The man slid twenty dollars in the slot, the panel closed, and ten minutes passed. Nothing happened. He began to pound on the door, and the panel slid open. "Hey," exclaimed the man, "I want to get screwed!" "What?" said the voice, "Again?"

A woman goes into a tattoo parlour and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh just below her bikini line. She also wants him to put "Happy Thanksgiving" under the turkey. So the guy does it and it comes out looking really good. The woman then instructs him to put a Santa tattoo with "Merry Christmas" up on her left thigh. So the guy does it and it comes out looking good, too. As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist asks, "If you don't mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?" She says "I'm sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that there's nothing good to eat between Thank

You know you're addicted to wocka when your friends say something funny, and you cry out ''LOL, LOL'' instead of actually laughing out loud.

A Jewish man in a hospital tells the doctor he wants to be transferred to a different hospital. The doctor says "What's wrong? Is it the food?" "No, the food is fine. I can't kvetch." "Is it the room?" "No, the room is fine. I can't kvetch." "Is it the staff?" "No, everyone on the staff is fine. I can't kvetch." "Then why do you want to be transferred?" "I can't kvetch!"

You have a million cows. Most of them are illegals.

What you humans call 'THE APOCALYPSE', I used to call Sunday Dinner! - Archangel, Gabriel

One day, a blonde goes into a store. She gets an item and walks up to the cashier. She says,"I'd like to buy this TV". He says,"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes". The next day, she dyes her hair red and goes back in the store, but the same thing happens. Finally, she shaves her head and goes back in. When she tries to buy it for the third time, the man refuses. She says, "How the hell do you know I'm blonde?". He replied, "First of all, that's a microwave."

How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Sixteen. One to screw it in and fifteen to form a support group.

Little Katie was at Sunday school one day. The teacher asked the class "Who is someone in your life that worships God by always speaking His name?" Little Katie raised her hand and said "The fifth grade teacher at my school! Every time we pass by her room on the way to art I hear her say "I swear to God I have the worst behaved class in the world!"

During late spring one year, a blonde was trying out her new boat. She was unable to have her boat perform, travel through water, or do any maneuvers whatsoever no matter how hard she tried. After trying for over three days to make it work properly, she decided to seek help. She putted the boat over to the local marina in hopes that someone there could identify her problem. Workers determined that everything from the engine to the outdrive was working perfectly on the topside of the boat. So, a puzzled marina employee jumped into the water to check underneath the boat for problems. Because he was laughing so hard, he came up choking on water and gasping for air. Under the boat, still strap

51. Q: What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side? A: An interpreter. 52. Q: What do you call a blonde between two brunettes? A: A mental block. 53. Q: How do you change a blonde's mind? A1: Blow in her ear. A2: Buy her another beer. 54. Q: What do you say to a blonde that won't give in? A: "Have another beer." 55. Q: What do blondes do with their arseholes in the morning? A: Pack their lunch and send them to work. 56. Q: What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning? A1: Introduces herself. A2: Walks home. 57. Q: Why did the blonde keep ice cubes in the freezer? A: So she could keep the refrigerator cold. 58. Q: How did the blonde break her leg playing ho