Two blond adventurers were on holiday, and went to see Niagara Falls. After a few drinks one night, one bet the other $500 he couldn't carry him across the falls on a tightrope. After a very scary trip, his friend managed to stagger safely across, and the wager was duly paid. "That was close," said the loser. "When you wobbled, halfway across, I was sure I'd won."

Q: What do peroxide blondes and black men have in common? A: They both have black roots. Q: Why are there no dumb brunettes? A: Peroxide. Q: How do you tell if a bleach blonde did your landscaping? A: The bushes are darker than the rest of the yard.

I went to the eye doctor and found out I needed glasses for reading. So, I got some flip-up contact lenses. Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug. I was walking down the street and saw a sign on a post. It said: "Lost - $50. If found, just keep it." I bought a cheap piece of land... It was on someone else's property. The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and doesn't stop until you get to work. The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows. Some people think George is weird, because he has sideburns behind his ears. I think George is we

Q: What happens when you pour boiling water on a bunny? A: A hot cross-buniken!

Why did the boy buy a new bum? Coz his had a crack in it.

A man walks into a bar and says, "Give me a beer before problems start!" Again, the man orders a beer again saying, "Give me a beer before problems start!" The bartender looks confused. This goes on for a while, and after the fifth beer the bartender is totally confused and asks the man, "When are you going to pay for these beers?" The man answers, "Ah, now the problems start!"

What do you call an Italian Cop? Guinea Pig

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?" "Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?" "Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble." "I'd be happy to," said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefu

A truck driver was going south on I-75, when he came upon a weight station. When he pulled in and got on the scales to be weighed, the scale master told the driver that he was 900lbs. over weight. The truck driver replied, "I can take care or that." The scale master asked he how could he fix the problem? The driver said, "Let me go around back, and I'll fix the overweight problem." The scale master agreed to let him fix his problem. About half an hour later the truck driver got back on the scales, and the scale master said, "Driver, you are still 900lbs. over weight." The truck driver said, "I don't understand what went wrong. I let 50lbs. out of each tire on the rig." After thinking the pro

China has a population of a billion people. One billion. That means even if you're a one in a million kind of guy, there are still a thousand others exactly like you.

Things You Don't Want to Hear When Regaining Consciousness. "OK, make a wish and pull." "Back in a minute. Gotta put money in the meter." "What he doesn't know, won't hurt us." "Tilt that TV a bit. I can't see the game." "That PROVES aliens have taken over our bodies." "Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop." "I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses." "Oh no! I just lost my Rolex." "I learned that when I studied to be a vet." "Poor guy... Maybe we should give him a sex change." "He looks like my ex-wife's attorney... The one who got her the house, the car, the money... he even got her!..." "C L E A R!"

Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses? If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him...is he still wrong? Is there another word for synonym? Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?" If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages? How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign? The older you get, the better you realize you were. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday. Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays? Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go b